Filling the Space

The Warren's Garden, Brentwood, Vancouver Island

Gillian Cornwall, Spring 2015

I eat to fill the space 

that once was filled with a whole me.

I yearn for sleep that lasts

more than 

two 

hours

at

a

time.

The only way to fix me 

is to be me

and the only way

to be me 

is to take the time

to heal me -

to walk the path of wellness.

For food won't fill it, 

my mind can't simply will it.

The only way to be me

is to walk free 

now.

...And so I step up to the mic and say, "Enough." Time is limited. It is my most limited resource and it is essential that I make the most of the time I have remaining. I am going to do what I need to best ensure I have as much time left as possible and that begins with self-care. This means moderation in consumption,  particularly food, and eating fresh, local goods - way fewer packaged comestibles. It means making gentle exercise a priority and re-embracing Qi Gong as a daily practice in my life. It means caring less about the meanness that exists in our world - and by meanness, I am using the English definition of the word ...because I am English.... Definition: "lack of generosity; miserliness." 

I will breathe deeply and be present. I will say what I need and give it to myself, such as: "Time to write please!" 

There is only one way to get what we need and that is to create a kind and loving space for it. Take time to consider how we work and what we do and whether it is of value. Are we performing a task simply because we always have, or is there still a need or a positive impact from that labour? If not, let's chuck it! There is time for other pursuits if we look for it creatively. Prioritizing how we spend our time is essential to the level of joy we have in our lives. 

So, I organize to make the time to create the time to have more time. Yes, I am able to see the first world entitlement and irony here.... When did I complicate my life like this and how do I re-take the reins? 

Attention. Attention to the moments, the days, the weeks, the months and years. Attention to how I utilize and create during the time I do have and a sound belief that I have the right and the autonomy to choose.

In this season of rebirth and renewal, take a look at how your time is spent. Be creative and make space for your exceptional individuality to shine and grow. Your greatest successes and inspirations will come when you make space for them to grow. Like all the flora and fauna of the earth, you will blossom with the right amounts of space, time, nourishment and sunlight. 

With love to each of you. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 27, 2016

Chickadee Spring, The Warrens Garden, Brentwood, BC 

Gillian Cornwall, c. Spring 2015

Our Spring

Wet and verdant island day, 

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2015

 Victoria blossoms

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2012

A billion tiny kisses plastered to the ground.

Licks and kisses, pink on green, 

the green grass of a west coast spring

A promise kept to us every year

through the grey, wet winter:

"Blossom blizzard"

we call to the east to tease: 

"Yes, it's snowing here too...

...all pink and fluffy

from the plum and from the cherry."

A billion blooming kisses for our mother.

The love of mother,

like no other,

our only mother 

Earth.

This Spring, let go. Put down that which is not yours to carry. This is the season of renewal and rebirth - a chance to reinvent yourself. You owe no debt of servitude to another soul. You are unique and whole and perfect on your path. Respect all women for they are the life-givers and must be celebrated for their strength and capacity (which is immeasurable and perfect). 

Tread lightly on the Mother Earth for she is the provider of all of your needs for life. Be patient and kind, mostly with yourself, and your patience and kindness with others will come naturally from this prescription. 

There is life to be lived. Go outside. Breathe into your belly. Remember that you are uniquely and infinitely connected to all through your dantian: your centre of life and energy. Participate in your life; celebrate it. Don't just watch the lives of others on the television. 

I write this as it flows through me. I hear this in my  ear, in my heartbeat and through this universal energy I call soul. 

May we embrace the Spring and burst forth into this season of our lives in all of our epic, unique beauty.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 20, 2016 

In it.

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2015 

A Letter to the Time Bandits

Big Ben, London, England

Gillian Cornwall, September 2016

Dear Time Bandits,

Saturday night I sat up in my bed, with my eyes closed and hot tears streaming down my face. I spoke slowly to prevent the sobs that bubbled volcanic just below the surface, the words expressing my pain and frustration to my compassionate, brilliant and loving partner.

My computer had decided to indulge itself that day with one of its epic, mind-numbing, unannounced, hours-long, Windows 10 updates just as I had sat down with a tenderly carved-out, single hour to work on my novel. The times I have to write are limited and as precious as my own breath and heartbeat.

Needless to say, I was devastated to have this hour snatched away by an untouchable computer deity. I lost my mind, freaked out, yelled at the laptop, wept and swore like a sailor. I imagine my neighbours hiding behind barricades of furniture clutching their brooms and rolling pins to fend off whatever attack was coming their way. Sorry, it was just me ...me, flavoured with the hormonal nightmare that is menopause.

But it's more than that and that is what I was able to tease out with the help of my partner on Saturday night and again with my dear friend, Kelly, on Sunday. It's not just that one hour. It's realizing that I finally accept, even celebrate, who I am and what I should be doing and there is so little time left to do it.

It is the time that has been stolen from me for as long as I can remember - in every social, school and workplace I ever had. I figured it out at last. You see, I've lost at least ten years of cumulative time, battling, just to get to the same starting line as the heteronormative male dominant society that prevails. I'm still not there. I'm still asking for answers and getting blank stares or people staring at the floor. 

I've been fighting just to get on an even footing with those who are straight, or pass as straight, because I have been treated as 'less than' for who I love for as long as I can remember. I have dealt with everything from being flashed by another woman at work to being told it would be easier for me if I just behaved and dressed more like a regular woman - if I just tried harder to fit in. 

Well, you might as well try to be gay as me try to be straight. Folks, it just doesn't work that way. You can't ask a vacuum cleaner to make your toast in the morning any more than you can ask me to pretend to be straight. It's absurd, yet you expected it. You still do. It infuriates you that I will not just stay in my box long enough for you to tape it up and get the label on there! I'm like a cat you want to contain and take to the vet and it just isn't going to happen.

...and it has cost me. Your fear, anger, petulance and lack of understanding around my unwillingness to fit your norms has cost me - not just jobs, but dignity, safety, peace and friendships. Most tragically, it has cost me epic amounts of time...

...and I want it back. All of it. Now. Please. There is less time ahead of me than behind me and I need every second of it to do all of the things I should have had the time, well-being, energy and safe location to be doing all along.

So, it would be great, society, if I could take a wee break to catch up and do the things that many of you have always been able to do. Simple things like:

• hold your partners hand in public, 
• get married to who you love, 
• apply for jobs and get them because you are qualified, 
• tell people you have someone in your life without fear of repercussion and listening to stories about the gay auntie everyone has. 

I could go on, but maybe you get the picture?

You see, Time bandits, that which you have robbed? the things perhaps you take for granted? I have had to spend more time hiding, fighting, recovering and changing the world to be a safer, kinder more equitable place for me and those who are coming after me and now, well, I am asking you to pay back your debt. I want my time back please and an apology would be a good start to pay off the interest on the debt. Acknowledgement would go a long way too, but most of all, I want my time back so I can finish my book, draw beautiful pictures and complete a legacy that includes more than an entire adult life of ploughing a line and paving the way for lesbians and gays who have come after me. I'd like a bit of time, well, just to be me. 

I'd like to start today if it isn't too inconvenient for you.

With sincere gratitude and acknowledgement to all those who have come before me and the price they have paid for me to walk my path more freely.

Sincerely,

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 13, 2016

Princess Gardens, Edinburgh, Scotland.

Gillian Cornwall, c. October 2016

I Write

 

"Time for Sale" at Charmaine's Past and Present

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014

I write. It's more than what I do; it is who I am on a cellular level. I am a transmitter of stories and poetry. At times, it is as though they already exist and I am simply capturing them from the ether and containing them on the page - unsure as to how much I actually have to do with the process. The characters tell me who they are rather than it being the other way around. They unfold themselves and their lives before me - through my pen on the page or my fingers on the keys. I am a conduit, just as I am in the rest of my life. I am a passage connecting people to people and stories to people. I hear the voices and stories of the many and weave them into another upon the page. I listen to the wind and share the voices I hear upon it. The stories pour from my fingers, unwittingly at times, and I polish and shine them. I understand the sculptor who sees the work within the rock and releases it for the world to see. I cannot explain the how of it all. It just is.

My biggest rival is time and the need to put food on the table and a roof over my head - for it does not matter to the world that I am conduit, a writer. I am a dime a dozen in the eyes of most. 

"Yeah, you write - blah, blah, blah. How is that of any use to me? How will that line my pockets?" 

I have no answer for you. I write. It's what I do. It's who I am, yet I must work at something else for I must eat and and clothe and house myself. I could not do so, I suppose, and continue to write - it only requires pen and paper, but I have softened in my older years and homelessness no longer suits me. I have done it - it's cold and hard and frightening. 

So I wish for more time to write. I have stories to tell you. My writing and my drawings and my love for people are the only inheritance I can leave. I want the ripples to be wonderful when the drop of water that is my life joins the ocean of all. 

I write this today to try to be understood, to let you know that I am here and I write because I must - as I breathe, I must. I hope it warms you, enlivens you, enrages you or sets you free in some small way. I hope it brings you joy and laughter at times and, yes, my ego says that I hope it makes you remember me when I am gone. I hope that, in some way, the words will warm your heart when you feel alone and you can turn to this blog, or my book when it is done, and find a friend there - in a word, a phrase or an image conjured. 

Today, I suppose, I write this for me, hoping you understand. Thank you for indulging me. I am grateful. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 6, 2016

Water to the Shore

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014

Woman Warrior

My mother and me, when I was six or seven

Photo by: My Dad - Brian Cornwall, c. 1967

I am a woman. I am proud of my woman’s body. I do not identify by gender, rather by my biology. I do not understand the purpose of gender expectations so I do not acknowledge a gender identity. I have been identified with assorted words that mean I don’t fit the sexual orientation mainstream culture. I carry experiences that most of you will never be able to fathom with respect to how I have been treated because of how I look and who I have loved intimately.

I spent decades unable to marry the people I love. Relationships that crossed borders had to end as there was no legal way to remain together in one country. I have been held back from advancement in some jobs and not offered other jobs for which I was perfectly qualified. Others have had their children taken away from them and many of us have been told we weren’t fit parents to adopt. I have been beaten in the streets for how I look or for holding hands or kissing my partner in public. Others have had their families abandon them – ashamed – choosing their religion over their children. I have been abducted and assaulted by taxi drivers when I tried to stay safe by not walking to a bar or home from one because those men knew what I needed to make me “normal.” Shame and fear often kept me from reporting these crimes.

I have been eroded by heteronormative society for decades. Some of us could not cope – some took their lives while others of us struggled with a variety of addictions, seeking any kind of control or relief from pain and isolation. Decades ago there were far fewer opportunities to find counsellors who understood issues facing lesbians. Some of us remain, standing, eroded, exhausted in fact, still trying to be heard and have these wrongs acknowledged, awaiting some sort of help or compensation for horrible acts perpetrated against us. We are weary. We do not need to hear “but isn’t it better now?”

It is better now. We are pleased about that, but it does not take away that which we have experienced. We have suffered greatly though our bodies, our hearts and minds as a result of systemic hate – much of which still exists but has gone underground, leaching up in ways that are more difficult to see or prove. The comments are whispered or couched more carefully. We are still being assaulted and cat-called in the streets by people who are terrified of difference and choose fight over flight – we are women, after all, and popular culture continues to portray us as disposable.

I am here to say, I will not stop pointing at the elephant in the room. I will not stop ensuring people are aware of what has happened and the damage that has been done. I am proud to have survived, unapologetic for the scars I bear. I am a warrior. I am more than the sum of my sexual orientation and the losses and wins I have known because of it. I will not be silenced while I have air to breath and I will not be your token queer to mark that you are "okay with the gay."

My name is Gillian. The name means youthful. I still have joy in my heart and love to give. I am from a family of warriors, of Cornwall and Jay and, while I am the first generation for a long time not to actually go to war in uniform, I have fought, strong and proud, for as long as I can remember. The Cornwall battle cry is said to have been, "La Vie Durante" translated "During Life".

May we all find peace in who we are as individuals; thus, find peace with one another: peace, respect and celebration of difference.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. February 28, 2016

Self Portrait

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015

Choice

Shipwreck Beach - Lana'i, Hawaii

Gillian Cornwall, c. December 2006.

I am re-posting this article from 2014 as the concept of choice has been at the forefront of my mind. I watch as people struggle with their environment, finding it does not fit their needs and feeling unable to change it to be the way they want within the timeframe they want or need. I get this. It is frustrating to watch something and wish it were different - whether it is our job, our relationship or anything really. The fact is, we have choice. Everyday, I revisit the major players in my life and I make a choice:

• Relationships: I make an active choice in my relationships. I choose to spend time with people or not to spend time with them and I am blessed with the incredible people surrounding me. We lift one another up and light the path for each other. We bring things to the table to share and learn and grow.
• Work: Some days are good and some days aren't. Sometimes I am frustrated with the glacial pace of change, but everyday I weigh it out and choose to be there or not be there. No-one is forcing me to stay. I choose it.
• Lifestyle: I choose what I eat everyday (some days it might be donuts and whiskey and other days it might be salad and water). I'm a grown-up. I choose and accept the consequences. I choose to exercise or not exercise to the best of my abilities and in the ways that best suit my level of ability. I choose.

The systems surrounding the way I would like to live don't always fit my difference from mainstream society and so I work within the laws and systems to facilitate positive change. It takes time. Sometimes there is a price. Sometimes the price has been high, but I choose whether or not to stop or continue.

Autonomy.

Choice. 

Most of the time we have choice in one form or another. Sometimes we say we don't have it when we don't want to make a difficult one. Sometimes, it is taken from us and we can only make choices about how we handle an imposed situation. 

For instance, if our freedom is taken from us and we are held captive, we can only choose the impact of that captivity. What freedoms can be found within the mind when the body is held?

Too often in my past, I have held to choices made for me by others when I was a child or those I made for myself that no longer fit. Historically, I believed myself to be trapped. I have grown more autonomous with age, more capable of changing that which no longer fits. I am capable of moving forward with less fear of loss or change. 

The unknown is probably the most terrifying thing for people to face: "What will happen if...?" 

Having been without a home in my past, seeing all manner of relationships come and go, experiencing a variety of careers, holding creatures (both two-legged and four) in my arms while they pass from this life and choosing immense changes in how I live my everyday life, I have less fear of the impact of change, regardless of the kind of choice that occurred around that change. 

A downside to choosing a life with less fear of change can be isolation - not finding like-minded folks with whom to go through life. Trust me, it's not that I don't think about what would happen if my job were taken from me or if someone I cared about passed away, rather that somewhere, deep in my cellular make-up, I know I will not only survive, but I will flourish because I choose life, truth and love over fear. When all is said and done, I will not succumb to fear. I won't let it be a self-imposed shackle to wear through my days.

Our experiences and creations all stem from how we choose to live our lives. I need to remind myself regularly that a life lived fully is the greatest life lived. I don't want to regret not saying "I love you," not taking that adventure or not speaking my truth in the face of equity and human rights or sustainability issues.

My wish is for all of us to live well, to live big, to live with an abundance of joy, love, peace and experience so 'take a deep breath and smile' (as one of my dear friends says!) and enjoy your day, with love. 

-Gillian Cornwall, edited / re-post: c. February 21, 2016

Original post: c. April 13, 2014

How deep can you go? - Protection Island, BC

Gillian Cornwall, Summer 2015

You are Whole

Perfection in each ray of the sun, in each breath

Gillian Cornwall, c. February 14, 2016

Okay, so here's the deal, as I see it:

You need no one to make you whole; you are perfectly complete and amazing as you are. If one should enter your world to love you, and you to love them, it should only add to your already complete capacity to live your unique life. If another person depletes you over an extended period, it may not be the best course of action for either of you. If you add to the life of each other, support one another and accept one another as you were found, then jolly good!

The fact is, we needn't pair up. We can if we want to, but we cannot be completed by another. I reiterate, each of us is a whole and perfect being on our own particular path of life. As I wrote to my soul sister, the remarkable Sheila Jeffries, the other day:

"Happy Valentines Day to everyone who can feel their heart beating within their chest - each rhythmic thump is a wave of love out to the world as a gift from you to the perfect universal unity that exists within, and between, each of us ...if we just allow it to be so."

Life is opportunity to embrace the amazing machine, the open thermodynamic system, that you are. Life is your chance to be fluid, to let go, to stop holding and being afraid. There is enough love, enough energy for all. Let go. Let it flow through you from your connection to all that is - up through your feet and out through the top of your head. Let it rise up through the world and cycle down through the earth and up through your feet again. 

Magnolia

Gillian Cornwall, c. Spring 2014

"There is force in the universe which, if we permit it, will flow through us and produce miraculous results." -Mahatma Gandhi

If you aren't sharing this weekend with a lover, do not worry. You are perfect. You are whole, beautiful and full of capacity. Go outside. Smile at someone. The life you may save in doing this is the greatest love you could ever share. 

With every wish for your happiness, for your joy in the simple things and with love to each of you.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. February 14, 2016

The Golden Heart - Mystic Vale

Gillian Cornwall, c. February 2016

Resource Material: 

The First 16 Secrets of Chi

The Laws of Thermodynamics

The Four Agreements

The Rain Coast

 Rhododendron Spring - Victoria BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2007

I am re-posting this poem from June of 2014 as I am ardently awaiting the joys of Spring in the Pacific temperate rainforest: the colour, the wet explosion of life, as floral fireworks. The birdsong: an orchestral accompaniment to the perpetual gift that Nature provides in her capacity for giving life and sustenance. We must respect her, at the very least, we must respect her. I am grateful for the gift of life she gives - this heaven on earth. 

This poem is an ode to the great mother - giver of life. 

Every lick of colour

sopping springtime blooms

wet paint in every green

fills the canvas of my town

Splotching pinkest pinks

Camellia upon Camellia

the fair flower that leaps whole

to the grassy bed below

Rhododendrons grow as trees here

floral monsters in pastel

a million pink and purple tongues 

catching raindrops from the sky

Now I lay me down among you

on this verdant, spongy ground

raincoat and gumboot clad

wash me clean upon this land

-Gillian Cornwall, February 7, 2016

Originally posted, c. June 1, 2014

Brentwood Bay

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 2015

The Authentic Self

Self Portrait on the train to Somerset

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015

The Authentic Self recognizes the face in the mirror. One tries to stare back at that image with kindness, acceptance, celebration and love. 

Why is that so difficult for us - to say to ourselves, as we wish others to say to us:

• "I see you
• I hear you and
• what you say means something to me"?

Where and when does the struggle begin? As children, many of us try to live up to our heroes - be they our parents, siblings, friends or teachers. Even as youngsters, we are taught to externalize our responsibility to ourselves onto the behaviour and ways of others. "You told me to do it!" "They made me!"

We are told there is a moral compass. We are shown what it looks like and how our behaviour relates to it and, yes, to some extent, that needs to happen. All animals learn survival skills from their packs - how to hunt through play, how to watch and how to work with others. Sometimes, we are shown how to lead. 

If everything goes well, we become adults. Then what? Most of us set our own priorities and make decisions about how we will choose to live based on our experiences of the moral compass we have known as children... OR, we entirely oppose it because we see our parents (or packs) were messed up and struggling and had no way to guide us well... OR some combination thereof (the last is probably the most likely and most common). We are all muddling through and there is no rule book that includes or fits everyone. Every single person's experience, every self, is unique.

Back to the mirror. Who do we see? Do we recognize ourselves in what is reflected back at us? If not, then what? 

I think I am describing a fairly common experience for all individuals. We all struggle with self-identity in our lives at some point and often this struggle is dependent on others opinions of what they see us to be and the box into which they are shoving us - as we kick, scream and rail against it - feeling misunderstood and powerless. If we protest, we are generally ostracized further for not "getting along with others" and simply accepting the way things are. To not fit others notions of ourselves is an affront to our communities - be they work, social or familial. 

"Why can't you just get along? Why do you have to be so contrary?"

Ah, there is the rub! The authentic self struggles against the tide of perception, the tide of ordered thought and labels. There is little or no room to grow, think, change or become in the ruled, ordered society. There is still a compass on how we must look, behave, speak and feel. There is value set on people based on their fiscal net worth rather than their ability to reinvent themselves,to allow themselves to grow and become daily. 

"Sit." 

"Stay."

"Lie down."

These commands are not a recipe for the authentic self. Religious precepts of what is good and right and what is bad and wrong are singular to another and they try to dictate our acceptability and worth and take away our accountability by telling us we are less than and fallible and fallible is bad because there does exist perfection in an unattainable being. ...So how do we learn? How do we err? How do we learn gentleness and forgiveness if the authentic self is not given space to fall, to accept the fall, to heal and to integrate that experience into personal growth. How is it that we are not perfect for simply walking our paths as best we can and taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

The authentic self is amorphous. I wish for my authentic self to have a core of kindness, acceptance and the desire to lift up others and say, in all honesty, "I see you. I hear you. What you say means something to me." 

I try to do this. I succeed at it daily and I fail at it daily. I am growing, changing, falling and getting up again. I am learning strength and a wealth of ability to say no to the labels. I reject unkindness and try very hard to forgive it - in myself and others. 

The authentic self I want to see in the mirror strives to understand that the picture is always changing. I am no Dorian Gray. I embrace the change and mourn the loss of youth while celebrating the blessings of aging - for not aging is a far worse alternative as it means an end of days to this great blessing of life - the heavenly gift of each breath and the chance to learn, love and embrace the miracle of change and growth. 

My authentic self is immeasurable, connected to all and a conduit for the universal flow of energy. It IS the universal flow of energy. WE are the universal flow of energy. The authentic self is unique and the same as all else. We are an embodiment of the cheer of the Three Musketeers: All for One and One for All. 

Praise yourself. Be accountable for your actions. Do not look to the gods for forgiveness nor hope and do not judge others on their unique paths. Realize that right here and right now, it (you) is all on you. You always have choice - perhaps not always in the experience, but at least in your response to it. Lead. Follow. Right. Left. It is all up to you. 

In all truth, I write this for myself - perhaps to hold myself accountable. To remember my perceived failings and re-frame them into lessons. I write it to share my thoughts, in the hope that it may spark thought elsewhere and may lead to connection with others as we walk our unique paths on our journey to self-love and love for others. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. January 31, 2016

Clematis? - after the bloom, the beauty remains

Gillian Cornwall, c. September, 2015

Hello, Trouble!

The Wave

Oil Pastel on Paper 

Approx. 8" x 10"

By Gillian E. Cornwall - c. 1988

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are."

-Benjamin Franklin

This re-post comes with an invitation to everyone to attend the free Provost's Diversity Research Forum at the University of Victoria on January 21 and 22, 2016. This year's forum is entitled Critical Conversations: Reconciliation and Resurgence. There are opportunities to view the events on Thursday evening (PST) and Friday morning sessions via web live feed. Check out in-person registration if you are on or near Vancouver Island or world wide viewing options at: http://www.uvic.ca/diversityforum/. I volunteer on the committee for this event and have found the conference to be filled with brilliant, sentient beings, valuable learning and cutting edge research - each and every time. 

I am putting this personal piece up again because I believe it is timely for me and, I hope, brings some value and understanding to you: 

"Hello, Trouble!" "Here comes trouble!"

I am greeted in this way, on average, 3 times a week at work and elsewhere and it tends to frustrate me. I think those using the term, use it in a cajoling or endearing way and by no means intend for it to be harmful. I think some see me as different from most women of my age and do not know how to interact with me because of it. I suppose I could be honoured that people are imbuing me with such great power - that I have the capacity to create trouble and, potentially, leave chaos in my wake. 

Then, I think of the term, "trouble the water. " I was reminded of it last week, during a meeting, when a colleague used the term. I liked it and have had it roiling in my mind since. There is an African American spiritual song, with Christian biblical implications, and it goes as such:

"Wade in the water,

Wade in the water children

Wade in the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water"

I believe the phrase arises from this biblical reference: 

John 5:4 - "For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had."

So, perhaps someone who is referred to as trouble, challenges, allows for cleansing, healing and forward motion. I could go with that.... I certainly know some earth angels who trouble the waters in their quest to share peace and love. 

Unfortunately, the folks using the term "trouble", in reference to me, do not consider the workplace implications of being seen by those in authority as "trouble". Talk about a career stopper. So, have I been trouble over the years? Have I stirred the waters? I suppose so. Why? I have not been appreciative of anti-racial slurs. I didn't like hearing the term "homo" or "I think you are in the wrong washroom" and, from straight women with whom I have worked in the past,  "I know you'd like to be closer to me right now" or, having a woman flash her breasts at me (thinking I would enjoy it!) and those who make make lurid comments speculating on my lifestyle. I haven't enjoyed being treated as "other" by both males and females based on my sexual and (absence of) gender orientation and I certainly wouldn't enjoy being passed over for employment opportunities because of being thought of as "trouble". Do I know definitively that this has happened? No. How could I know? How would I prove such a thing?

If I am trouble, is it because you have named me so rather than because I have set out to be so? Have I set out to stir the waters rather than acquiesce to the silence in order to remain safer? Do I have to run twice as fast as everyone else just to keep up? These questions are all worthy of consideration.

Do I have to worry about posting this? Will it make it worse for me? I know some of you are thinking, "Oh, here she goes again! We are so tired of hearing about it..." I am tired too - way too tired to be trouble. I just want to go home, watch Netflix and have a nice cup of tea. Can I afford to stop pointing at the elephant in the room? We are all equal now - right? No harm, no foul? ....hmm. What do you think?

"Hello kind person." "Hello champion for human rights and equity!" 

Please don't let your fear be my trouble anymore. 

With love, kindness and the continuing quest for peace.

-Gillian Cornwall, Re-posted January 17, 2016

Originally posted, July 20, 2014

Heart on a Telephone Pole

-spreading love down the line

Photo: Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014