One-downmanship

 Glass Half Full 

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2008

One-downmanship: The art or practice of being or appearing to be at a disadvantage (Oxford Dictionary)

I thought I had coined this phrase so I was surprised to see it in the Oxford Dictionary. Once again, proof that I have a limited capacity for original thought. That aside, one-downmanship is the subject of today's article.

Why do we do it, people, why? 

Here are some of the reasons I think may be the cause:

1.  We don't want people to think we are doing well because they will stop paying attention to us and stop offering us kindness and comfort because, sadly, we don't tend to do that for one another when things are going well.

2.  We don't want people to think we are doing well because they will try to take away that which we possess, be it joy or good fortune. 

3. Habit. 

4. Any form of shame and guilt built in culture and religion.

5. A result of the "Busy as a Badge of Honour" malarkey we feed one another as a rich society where we believe the busier we say we are, the more valuable and important we must be.

6.  Additionally, if we do not appear to be busy or wrung out, we could be let go from our jobs because we do not appear to be driving ourselves into a furor in competition for the almighty dollar.  

7.  A desire to appear as disadvantaged or more disadvantaged than another as a rationalization to take up inordinate space, time and energy of others.

8.  All of the above = FEAR.

One-downmanship stems from a place of fear and a lack of acceptance of wealth of spirit, health and overall fortune. In some ways,It seems to have become unacceptable to be doing well; yet, often the reaction of others is positive if we say we are fine and disadvantageous or negative if we say we are not. Again, the person asking was likely hoping for a simple, "Fine thanks" or nothing at all as the question of well-being was merely a platitude. No-one has time or energy to hear another sad story. 

Are we so inundated with the ruinous lives of strangers that we have no time to listen to those of us in our actual day to day lives? Have we lost our compassion as a result of over-stimulus courtesy of the world wide web? Do the trials and tribulations of those closest to us feel meaningless in the face of Syria, Afghanistan, or any other place of desperate need brought to us as the most horrific story from media?

If each of us is screaming, are any of us heard?

Sometimes it appears to me that those with the most advantage in life (from an economic have and have-not perspective) are competing with those who are truly disadvantaged on multiple levels in order to keep the wealth that they have. You know, "I'm not really doing as well as it appears I am doing, because..."

It's sad. 

Sometimes, we are just not seen in our difficulty. We do not feel heard or acknowledged for old hurts that have left us physically, emotionally or intellectually disabled in some way. The only means by which we can continue to seek remediation for the wrong done is to ensure that no one sees us having a good day. 

How do we find our way out of this state?

Practice, that's how. Look for wee joys in life and stand in the peace of those moments. Accept that you are worthy of well-being. 

If you feel guilty for having an easier life than another, use that energy to quietly do something for that person - perhaps without even letting them know. I find that giving to another when I am in hardship is one surefire way to lighten my footprint on this earth and brighten my path. 

You needn't flip to the far side by becoming the reigning champion of one-upmanship, but allow yourself to feel good, rested and content when you do feel so. Restore and give of yourself as you are able to do so with good heart. 

Someone once said that we owe our greatest debt to joy. ...We certainly do not owe it to misery.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. October 30, 2016

This week's post is dedicated to one of the best people 

I have the good fortune of knowing 

- who makes me a better, kinder, more honest me: Tams.

You lift me up and I am grateful.

Fernwood, bench wisdom

G. Cornwall, February 2012

Hello, Trouble!

The Wave

Oil Pastel on Paper 

Approx. 8" x 10"

By Gillian E. Cornwall - c. 1988

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are."

-Benjamin Franklin

This re-post comes with an invitation to everyone to attend the free Provost's Diversity Research Forum at the University of Victoria on January 21 and 22, 2016. This year's forum is entitled Critical Conversations: Reconciliation and Resurgence. There are opportunities to view the events on Thursday evening (PST) and Friday morning sessions via web live feed. Check out in-person registration if you are on or near Vancouver Island or world wide viewing options at: http://www.uvic.ca/diversityforum/. I volunteer on the committee for this event and have found the conference to be filled with brilliant, sentient beings, valuable learning and cutting edge research - each and every time. 

I am putting this personal piece up again because I believe it is timely for me and, I hope, brings some value and understanding to you: 

"Hello, Trouble!" "Here comes trouble!"

I am greeted in this way, on average, 3 times a week at work and elsewhere and it tends to frustrate me. I think those using the term, use it in a cajoling or endearing way and by no means intend for it to be harmful. I think some see me as different from most women of my age and do not know how to interact with me because of it. I suppose I could be honoured that people are imbuing me with such great power - that I have the capacity to create trouble and, potentially, leave chaos in my wake. 

Then, I think of the term, "trouble the water. " I was reminded of it last week, during a meeting, when a colleague used the term. I liked it and have had it roiling in my mind since. There is an African American spiritual song, with Christian biblical implications, and it goes as such:

"Wade in the water,

Wade in the water children

Wade in the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water"

I believe the phrase arises from this biblical reference: 

John 5:4 - "For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had."

So, perhaps someone who is referred to as trouble, challenges, allows for cleansing, healing and forward motion. I could go with that.... I certainly know some earth angels who trouble the waters in their quest to share peace and love. 

Unfortunately, the folks using the term "trouble", in reference to me, do not consider the workplace implications of being seen by those in authority as "trouble". Talk about a career stopper. So, have I been trouble over the years? Have I stirred the waters? I suppose so. Why? I have not been appreciative of anti-racial slurs. I didn't like hearing the term "homo" or "I think you are in the wrong washroom" and, from straight women with whom I have worked in the past,  "I know you'd like to be closer to me right now" or, having a woman flash her breasts at me (thinking I would enjoy it!) and those who make make lurid comments speculating on my lifestyle. I haven't enjoyed being treated as "other" by both males and females based on my sexual and (absence of) gender orientation and I certainly wouldn't enjoy being passed over for employment opportunities because of being thought of as "trouble". Do I know definitively that this has happened? No. How could I know? How would I prove such a thing?

If I am trouble, is it because you have named me so rather than because I have set out to be so? Have I set out to stir the waters rather than acquiesce to the silence in order to remain safer? Do I have to run twice as fast as everyone else just to keep up? These questions are all worthy of consideration.

Do I have to worry about posting this? Will it make it worse for me? I know some of you are thinking, "Oh, here she goes again! We are so tired of hearing about it..." I am tired too - way too tired to be trouble. I just want to go home, watch Netflix and have a nice cup of tea. Can I afford to stop pointing at the elephant in the room? We are all equal now - right? No harm, no foul? ....hmm. What do you think?

"Hello kind person." "Hello champion for human rights and equity!" 

Please don't let your fear be my trouble anymore. 

With love, kindness and the continuing quest for peace.

-Gillian Cornwall, Re-posted January 17, 2016

Originally posted, July 20, 2014

Heart on a Telephone Pole

-spreading love down the line

Photo: Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014

Hello, Trouble

The Wave

Oil Pastel on Paper 

Approx. 8" x 10"

By Gillian E. Cornwall - c. 1988

"Hello, Trouble!" "Here comes trouble!"

I am greeted in this way, on average, 3 times a week at work and elsewhere and it tends to frustrate me. I think those using the term, use it in a cajoling or endearing way and by no means intend for it to be harmful. I think some see me as different from most women of my age and do not know how to interact with me because of it. I suppose I could be honoured that people are imbuing me with such great power - that I have the capacity to create trouble and, potentially, leave chaos in my wake. 

Then, I think of the term, "trouble the water". I was reminded of it last week, during a meeting, when a colleague used the term. I liked it and have had it roiling in my mind since. There is an African American spiritual song, with Christian biblical implications, and it goes as such:

"Wade in the water,

Wade in the water children

Wade in the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water

Don't you know that

God's gonna trouble the water"

I believe the phrase arises from this biblical reference: 

John 5:4 - "For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had."

So, perhaps someone who is referred to as "trouble", challenges, allows for cleansing, healing and forward motion. I could go with that.... I certainly know some earth angels who trouble the waters in their quest to share peace and love. 

Unfortunately, the folks using the term "trouble", in reference to me, do not consider the workplace implications of being seen by those in authority as "trouble". Talk about a career stopper. So, have I been trouble over the years? Have I stirred the waters? I suppose so. Why? I have not been appreciative of anti-racial slurs. I didn't like hearing the term "homo" or "I think you are in the wrong washroom" and, from straight women with whom I have worked in the past,  "I know you'd like to be closer to me right now" or, having a woman flash her breasts at me (thinking I would enjoy it!) and make lurid comments speculating on my lifestyle. I haven't enjoyed being treated as "other" by both males and females based on my sexual and gender orientation and I certainly wouldn't enjoy being passed over for employment opportunities because of being thought of as "trouble". Do I know definitively that this has happened? No. How could I know? How would I prove such a thing?

So, if I am trouble, is it because you have named me so rather than because I have set out to be so? Have I set out to stir the waters rather than acquiesce to the silence in order to remain safer? Do I have to run twice as fast as everyone else just to keep up? These questions are all worthy of consideration.

Do I have to worry about posting this? Will it make it worse for me? I know some of you are thinking, "Oh, here she goes again! We are so tired of hearing about it..." I am tired too - way too tired to be trouble. I just want to go home and watch Masterpiece Theatre and have a nice cup of tea. Can I afford to stop pointing at the elephant in the room? We are all equal now - right? No harm, no foul? ....hmm. What do you think?

"Hello kind person." "Hello champion for human rights and equity!" 

Please don't let your fear be my trouble anymore. 

With love, kindness and the continuing quest for peace.

-Gillian Cornwall, July 20, 2014

Heart on a Telephone Pole

-spreading love down the line

Photo: Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014