Signs of Life

 Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

Signs of life

in every sense -

to hear, to see,

to feel and taste

- the scent upon 

the ocean breeze

 Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

the beating heart

in the earth

below our feet

Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

she pushes love

through loamy skin

as camas and as clover born 

Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

for bees to buzz

and propagate the species

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

each wave upon 

the pebbled shores

is yours

 Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

your blood

coursing and caressing

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

through Spring,

for life, life

in every bird song

 Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

a call to the duty 

of your life,

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

through space,

through time

- from your heart

to mine

-Gillian Cornwall, re-post: April 23, 2017

Originally posted: c. April 26, 2015

One Thing

A Window of Opportunity - Hampstead, UK

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015.

The one thing I know is that life is precious - fleeting and precious. 

It is hard to remember that there are moments of incomparable joy and beauty in the times when we feel as though we are in competition with the biblical Job for worst life ever. We lose our job, our partner is gone, we are ill or all of the above. 

How best to respect the sadness, loss and lack of well-being while maintaining the knowledge that there is beauty and there is hope where life remains?

How best to remember that in the midst of our greatest suffering, the birds still sing without hating them for it in the face of our own loss or sadness? Remember W.H. Auden's poem, Funeral Blues? 

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come...."

Auden speaks of how the world must stop and that "...nothing now can ever come to any good."

Our loss can overshadow all the good in the world. Our heartbreak can create a pall that covers our lives in a dark emptiness. Thank heavens we have the capacity to feel our sadness so truly and completely for, if we could not, then how would we know its opposite - the euphoria of the birth of a child, falling in love, finishing a work of art and knowing it is your best or simply staring at the waves roll in from across the sea in a moment of complete contentment. 

Last evening, my girlfriend and I watched some of my old 1960's home movies as my parents crossed the Atlantic for the second time to create a new life for themselves in Canada as immigrants from England. From a great distance from my childhood and a great deal of counselling later, I am able to view these with a less self-centered eye, with the understanding of an adult rather than the need and grief of a child. 

While, certainly, the movie camera only came out for celebrations and epic adventures, it is fascinating to look back on one's life from the perspective of being older now that my parents were in the film we are watching and to have a greater understanding of their experience. I am able to see how many things they did for us, how many adventures they took us on, how damn lucky we were to have the resources to travel and explore, to stay at lakefront cottages and travel through Algonquin Park - not to mention, travelling back and forth to England to visit the family there. 

My parents battled like wildfire and eventually divorced when I was 13, but before then and after, there were so many celebrations for us. There were birthday parties and homemade cakes, Christmas after Christmas with a sea of presents for us, trips to beautiful gardens and visits with friends and family. 

I truly hope that my parents are able to see and know, from a post life place, that I understand better now, that I am grateful for all they did and that I am endlessly grateful for my life. 

I am getting older. I worry sometimes about how much time I might have left and how I want to spend it. I have the luxury of considering this at all as opposed to the majority of the population of the earth who have an endless, daily focus on survival - food and shelter. I have the luxury of deciding how I wish to live and what I might want to change about myself. My entitlement lies in the luxury of living in Canada as a white woman with resources and loved ones to help me through the difficult times. 

Okay, I know two things, not just one:

1. Life is precious.
2. Worrying won't help.

Let us stop and think of life itself - the greatest gift we could ever be given and look no further for heaven than to the beauty of another day, as the bird sings outside my window and my girlfriend tells me my tea is ready and I sit here writing to you. It is enough. It is plenty. I am grateful.

With love to every single one of you. 

I dedicate this piece to my parents for the life they have given me and in the knowledge that they did their best to raise four children and give them a good life. To my mum, you were amazing. I can't believe how much you had to do and the grace with which you did it. Thank you. To my dad, thanks for taking me to all the soccer games and allowing me to be the tomboy I was. Too bad, we couldn't convince mum to let me have the drum set - I'm still sure I would have been a rock star. ;-)

-Gillian Cornwall, c. May 22, 2016

Hampstead Heath

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015

Our Spring

Wet and verdant island day, 

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2015

 Victoria blossoms

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2012

A billion tiny kisses plastered to the ground.

Licks and kisses, pink on green, 

the green grass of a west coast spring

A promise kept to us every year

through the grey, wet winter:

"Blossom blizzard"

we call to the east to tease: 

"Yes, it's snowing here too...

...all pink and fluffy

from the plum and from the cherry."

A billion blooming kisses for our mother.

The love of mother,

like no other,

our only mother 

Earth.

This Spring, let go. Put down that which is not yours to carry. This is the season of renewal and rebirth - a chance to reinvent yourself. You owe no debt of servitude to another soul. You are unique and whole and perfect on your path. Respect all women for they are the life-givers and must be celebrated for their strength and capacity (which is immeasurable and perfect). 

Tread lightly on the Mother Earth for she is the provider of all of your needs for life. Be patient and kind, mostly with yourself, and your patience and kindness with others will come naturally from this prescription. 

There is life to be lived. Go outside. Breathe into your belly. Remember that you are uniquely and infinitely connected to all through your dantian: your centre of life and energy. Participate in your life; celebrate it. Don't just watch the lives of others on the television. 

I write this as it flows through me. I hear this in my  ear, in my heartbeat and through this universal energy I call soul. 

May we embrace the Spring and burst forth into this season of our lives in all of our epic, unique beauty.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 20, 2016 

In it.

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2015 

A Letter to the Time Bandits

Big Ben, London, England

Gillian Cornwall, September 2016

Dear Time Bandits,

Saturday night I sat up in my bed, with my eyes closed and hot tears streaming down my face. I spoke slowly to prevent the sobs that bubbled volcanic just below the surface, the words expressing my pain and frustration to my compassionate, brilliant and loving partner.

My computer had decided to indulge itself that day with one of its epic, mind-numbing, unannounced, hours-long, Windows 10 updates just as I had sat down with a tenderly carved-out, single hour to work on my novel. The times I have to write are limited and as precious as my own breath and heartbeat.

Needless to say, I was devastated to have this hour snatched away by an untouchable computer deity. I lost my mind, freaked out, yelled at the laptop, wept and swore like a sailor. I imagine my neighbours hiding behind barricades of furniture clutching their brooms and rolling pins to fend off whatever attack was coming their way. Sorry, it was just me ...me, flavoured with the hormonal nightmare that is menopause.

But it's more than that and that is what I was able to tease out with the help of my partner on Saturday night and again with my dear friend, Kelly, on Sunday. It's not just that one hour. It's realizing that I finally accept, even celebrate, who I am and what I should be doing and there is so little time left to do it.

It is the time that has been stolen from me for as long as I can remember - in every social, school and workplace I ever had. I figured it out at last. You see, I've lost at least ten years of cumulative time, battling, just to get to the same starting line as the heteronormative male dominant society that prevails. I'm still not there. I'm still asking for answers and getting blank stares or people staring at the floor. 

I've been fighting just to get on an even footing with those who are straight, or pass as straight, because I have been treated as 'less than' for who I love for as long as I can remember. I have dealt with everything from being flashed by another woman at work to being told it would be easier for me if I just behaved and dressed more like a regular woman - if I just tried harder to fit in. 

Well, you might as well try to be gay as me try to be straight. Folks, it just doesn't work that way. You can't ask a vacuum cleaner to make your toast in the morning any more than you can ask me to pretend to be straight. It's absurd, yet you expected it. You still do. It infuriates you that I will not just stay in my box long enough for you to tape it up and get the label on there! I'm like a cat you want to contain and take to the vet and it just isn't going to happen.

...and it has cost me. Your fear, anger, petulance and lack of understanding around my unwillingness to fit your norms has cost me - not just jobs, but dignity, safety, peace and friendships. Most tragically, it has cost me epic amounts of time...

...and I want it back. All of it. Now. Please. There is less time ahead of me than behind me and I need every second of it to do all of the things I should have had the time, well-being, energy and safe location to be doing all along.

So, it would be great, society, if I could take a wee break to catch up and do the things that many of you have always been able to do. Simple things like:

• hold your partners hand in public, 
• get married to who you love, 
• apply for jobs and get them because you are qualified, 
• tell people you have someone in your life without fear of repercussion and listening to stories about the gay auntie everyone has. 

I could go on, but maybe you get the picture?

You see, Time bandits, that which you have robbed? the things perhaps you take for granted? I have had to spend more time hiding, fighting, recovering and changing the world to be a safer, kinder more equitable place for me and those who are coming after me and now, well, I am asking you to pay back your debt. I want my time back please and an apology would be a good start to pay off the interest on the debt. Acknowledgement would go a long way too, but most of all, I want my time back so I can finish my book, draw beautiful pictures and complete a legacy that includes more than an entire adult life of ploughing a line and paving the way for lesbians and gays who have come after me. I'd like a bit of time, well, just to be me. 

I'd like to start today if it isn't too inconvenient for you.

With sincere gratitude and acknowledgement to all those who have come before me and the price they have paid for me to walk my path more freely.

Sincerely,

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 13, 2016

Princess Gardens, Edinburgh, Scotland.

Gillian Cornwall, c. October 2016

Choice

Shipwreck Beach - Lana'i, Hawaii

Gillian Cornwall, c. December 2006.

I am re-posting this article from 2014 as the concept of choice has been at the forefront of my mind. I watch as people struggle with their environment, finding it does not fit their needs and feeling unable to change it to be the way they want within the timeframe they want or need. I get this. It is frustrating to watch something and wish it were different - whether it is our job, our relationship or anything really. The fact is, we have choice. Everyday, I revisit the major players in my life and I make a choice:

• Relationships: I make an active choice in my relationships. I choose to spend time with people or not to spend time with them and I am blessed with the incredible people surrounding me. We lift one another up and light the path for each other. We bring things to the table to share and learn and grow.
• Work: Some days are good and some days aren't. Sometimes I am frustrated with the glacial pace of change, but everyday I weigh it out and choose to be there or not be there. No-one is forcing me to stay. I choose it.
• Lifestyle: I choose what I eat everyday (some days it might be donuts and whiskey and other days it might be salad and water). I'm a grown-up. I choose and accept the consequences. I choose to exercise or not exercise to the best of my abilities and in the ways that best suit my level of ability. I choose.

The systems surrounding the way I would like to live don't always fit my difference from mainstream society and so I work within the laws and systems to facilitate positive change. It takes time. Sometimes there is a price. Sometimes the price has been high, but I choose whether or not to stop or continue.

Autonomy.

Choice. 

Most of the time we have choice in one form or another. Sometimes we say we don't have it when we don't want to make a difficult one. Sometimes, it is taken from us and we can only make choices about how we handle an imposed situation. 

For instance, if our freedom is taken from us and we are held captive, we can only choose the impact of that captivity. What freedoms can be found within the mind when the body is held?

Too often in my past, I have held to choices made for me by others when I was a child or those I made for myself that no longer fit. Historically, I believed myself to be trapped. I have grown more autonomous with age, more capable of changing that which no longer fits. I am capable of moving forward with less fear of loss or change. 

The unknown is probably the most terrifying thing for people to face: "What will happen if...?" 

Having been without a home in my past, seeing all manner of relationships come and go, experiencing a variety of careers, holding creatures (both two-legged and four) in my arms while they pass from this life and choosing immense changes in how I live my everyday life, I have less fear of the impact of change, regardless of the kind of choice that occurred around that change. 

A downside to choosing a life with less fear of change can be isolation - not finding like-minded folks with whom to go through life. Trust me, it's not that I don't think about what would happen if my job were taken from me or if someone I cared about passed away, rather that somewhere, deep in my cellular make-up, I know I will not only survive, but I will flourish because I choose life, truth and love over fear. When all is said and done, I will not succumb to fear. I won't let it be a self-imposed shackle to wear through my days.

Our experiences and creations all stem from how we choose to live our lives. I need to remind myself regularly that a life lived fully is the greatest life lived. I don't want to regret not saying "I love you," not taking that adventure or not speaking my truth in the face of equity and human rights or sustainability issues.

My wish is for all of us to live well, to live big, to live with an abundance of joy, love, peace and experience so 'take a deep breath and smile' (as one of my dear friends says!) and enjoy your day, with love. 

-Gillian Cornwall, edited / re-post: c. February 21, 2016

Original post: c. April 13, 2014

How deep can you go? - Protection Island, BC

Gillian Cornwall, Summer 2015

Signs of Life

 Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

Signs of life

in every sense -

to hear, to see,

to feel and taste

- the scent upon 

the ocean breeze

 Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

the beating heart

in the earth

below our feet

Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

she pushes love

through loamy skin

as camas and as clover born 

Gore Park, Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

for bees to buzz

and propagate the species

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

each wave upon 

the pebbled shores

is yours

 Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

your blood

coursing and caressing

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

through Spring,

for life, life

in every bird song

 Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

a call to the duty 

of your life,

Brentwood Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 25, 2015

through space,

through time

- from your heart

to mine

-Gillian Cornwall, c. April 26, 2015

Chat with a tree today.

Western Red Cedar by Gillian Cornwall, c.2005

Oil Pastel on Paper $900.00

22" x 30"

If you have a chance, go to a forest today and breathe deeply. Feel the life, the peace, the perfect gift of nature. Restore your soul with the elements that really matter in this moment - life, love, and peace. I'm re-posting this from last year because it feels like a good time for it. I hope it brightens your day. 

A naive poem follows. It is meant to carry you to a peaceful place, a remembrance of how it works when we stop and listen to all of life and that we are one, inextricably connected.

The Western Red Cedar

I'm a western red cedar 

thuja plicata

green perfect plaits 

well-organized leaves

'tree of life' 

arbor-vitae

for the next thousand years 
I will reach for the sky

My limbs droop downward 

in peaceful repose

while birds fly and sing 

from my tip to my toes

I spread my feet wide

for fear I may fall

though I suppose the fact is

I'll outlive you all

I live in a forest 

you may never find 

It's a place tucked away

on the outside of time

Far down below me 

'mid the moss and the ferns

One day I shall lay there 

my death bed I'll earn

As trees came before me

may I feed many more

In the depths of the rich 

thick, lush forest floor

Do not forget me 

I bring you your air

for the breathe of the forest 

Is the life we all share

-Gillian Cornwall, c. May 4, 2014
Re-post, April 12, 2015

Cedar by the Lake

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2011

Breathe. See. Do. Rest.

 Breathe.

Sunset View of a Mango Tree on Lana'i

-in tune with the soul of my kahuna-

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2012

I get caught up in my assumptions of the expectations of others and it throws me off course. I am off course. I take myself back to the big four:

Be impeccable with your word.

Don't make assumptions.

Don't take anything personally.

Do your best.

Or, in my words for today:

Breathe.

See.

Do.

Rest.

I try to regain the rudder and reset my course. I am not here to perform and receive applause. I am not here to meet the expectations of another. I am here to live my life. I am here to be present in each moment of it. I am here to choose my own way but I get lost sometimes. I get lost and I need to stop and get back to basics because it is when we are lost that we slip through time. It is like an obscure game of Snakes and Ladders. Every once in a while we land somewhere and it sets us off down a chute where we eventually shake off the bumpy ride and wonder how the blazes we arrived at this place! 

See.

Cusheon Lake in March, Salt Spring Island

There is beauty all around us, always.

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2013

I suppose I am talking about intention (yes, again). When we are in the moment, we are exactly where we are when we are there. We are not looking toward the future nor back into the past. This slows that peculiar time concept under which many of us function. Presence creates space and breathing room. Presence expands us and allows us room to see, to act and to rest. Part of this expansion comes from breathing deeply, with intent and appreciation. Why do you think so many of us sigh so much? We are so tense that we disconnect from our bodies and our capacity to breathe. We hold and when we hold, we lose capacity. See where you are. Be there. Breathe into your belly and take action from a place of presence.

Do.

Boat excursion from Bamfield Marine Science Centre

Bamfield, Vancouver Island, BC

Allow yourself the opportunities life brings. Embrace opportunities.

Photo of me by H. Gottfried, c. September 2014

There are so many chances in life, so many opportunities to embrace experience. I try not to to let fear stop me from taking opportunities when they arise and I try to create some opportunities as well. People say to me, "You are so lucky to take that trip!" or "Wow. I wish I could do that." The thing is, most of us can do at least some of what we want - particularly, those of us in first world nations who have homes and jobs (though sometimes we allow our jobs to get more in the way of our potential than to support or expand it). We must choose. We must be present and actively walking toward that which we desire. If I want to travel, I must forfeit other things - by choice. I set a goal and work toward it. It helps to have people in our lives who support us in our dreams and desires. Those who seem not to care or disengaged may be lost themselves and unable to help you find your way. Look to share your "way" when you can. Actively seek out supportive, like-minded people for your journey. Take the risk that some may say they are not interested and that this is not a judgement of you but a choice they are making. Try not to take it personally. Get on with your journey in the present. Where are you and what will you do with these moments? This is your life. It is the most precious gift.

 Rest.

Hulopoe Beach, Lana'i, Hawaii

Stop and reflect. Stop to enjoy the moments and to revel in 

this precious gift of life.

Gillian Cornwall, c. December 2012

I need to not rush. This is not usually an issue for me and when I allow others to make it one, I inevitably fail. I must live my life in my own time. How else would it be possible for me to live my life? I am a fool every time I tumble down this rabbit hole. If others feel I am holding them back because of my pace, then I must let them go without me. I need to stop and I need to do so more frequently than my younger days. Time appears to have gone into hyper-speed and I find more need for that "down-time" I have discussed previously. Rest. Restoration - a chance for my body to recover and space to discover what I need to remain well and positive. Not doing is integral to healthy living and it is a disappearing art. When I was a child and a teen, I mastered the skill of "not doing" but I have lost touch with this ability. Now we go to classes with 30 other people and pay to sit on rubber mats and meditate because this is an acceptable act of not doing. If it works for you then it is good! I actively planned to lie on the living room carpet this weekend and do nothing for a while. Find a way not to "do". Find a way to stop and I am not talking TV, phone or computer. Sit, breathe, rest. You will slow this concept of time we have and gain greater capacity to "do" if you learn to "stop doing" regularly.

May your week be full of your own life in the way you choose to live it and may we love each other along the paths we choose. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. November 16, 2014

 Breathe. See. Do. Rest.

Cusheon Lake, Salt Spring Island, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c 2012