I Write

 

"Time for Sale" at Charmaine's Past and Present

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014

I write. It's more than what I do; it is who I am on a cellular level. I am a transmitter of stories and poetry. At times, it is as though they already exist and I am simply capturing them from the ether and containing them on the page - unsure as to how much I actually have to do with the process. The characters tell me who they are rather than it being the other way around. They unfold themselves and their lives before me - through my pen on the page or my fingers on the keys. I am a conduit, just as I am in the rest of my life. I am a passage connecting people to people and stories to people. I hear the voices and stories of the many and weave them into another upon the page. I listen to the wind and share the voices I hear upon it. The stories pour from my fingers, unwittingly at times, and I polish and shine them. I understand the sculptor who sees the work within the rock and releases it for the world to see. I cannot explain the how of it all. It just is.

My biggest rival is time and the need to put food on the table and a roof over my head - for it does not matter to the world that I am conduit, a writer. I am a dime a dozen in the eyes of most. 

"Yeah, you write - blah, blah, blah. How is that of any use to me? How will that line my pockets?" 

I have no answer for you. I write. It's what I do. It's who I am, yet I must work at something else for I must eat and and clothe and house myself. I could not do so, I suppose, and continue to write - it only requires pen and paper, but I have softened in my older years and homelessness no longer suits me. I have done it - it's cold and hard and frightening. 

So I wish for more time to write. I have stories to tell you. My writing and my drawings and my love for people are the only inheritance I can leave. I want the ripples to be wonderful when the drop of water that is my life joins the ocean of all. 

I write this today to try to be understood, to let you know that I am here and I write because I must - as I breathe, I must. I hope it warms you, enlivens you, enrages you or sets you free in some small way. I hope it brings you joy and laughter at times and, yes, my ego says that I hope it makes you remember me when I am gone. I hope that, in some way, the words will warm your heart when you feel alone and you can turn to this blog, or my book when it is done, and find a friend there - in a word, a phrase or an image conjured. 

Today, I suppose, I write this for me, hoping you understand. Thank you for indulging me. I am grateful. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. March 6, 2016

Water to the Shore

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2014

Change

The Rose Garden - Fairmont Empress Hotel

Victoria, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2011

...it's kind of a big deal with us humans.

Change.

Spare change. Change is gonna come. Be the change.... Change agents. Change is hard. You better change. Change of life. Quick change artist. 

You can read a gazillion quotations on change - it's as important to us humans as it is unavoidable.

I believe it is the inevitability that is precisely why it impacts us with such force, excitement and fear. Some folks I know thrive on change. If things aren't getting different on their own, then they will make things different. Others rue change and would prefer to keep the drink coaster precisely in the exact, measured location on the same end table where it has sat for the last 35 years. 

Now, is this difference among us genetic or a result of personal experience? Do some of us reach our change quota early in life and choose to put the brakes on when we become independent of our parents? I am thinking of children of military personnel who are forced to move schools and homes frequently and grow up to set down roots and stay in one town and keep their kids in one school to offer a more stable environment while others maintain the nomadic lifestyle because it is what they know and they are comfortable with it.

Is less change better than more change? I have no idea. I lean toward a stable way of being. I have worked for the same university for twenty years and changed within it. I tend to stay in the same home for fairly long periods of time. I buy many of the same groceries each week and rarely consider myself adventurous. In my younger days, I would have said that I was much more of a risk taker and actively trying new things but now, getting up and getting out the door each day seems risky enough. That being said, I do try new things and I love meeting new people. I try to travel at least once a year and I enjoy changing my hair styles though I don't suppose any of this makes me a left wing radical in the government of life! 

I admire those friends who have the creativity and desire to change their life environments regularly. Sometimes, I wish I were more like them. I'm not that way right now ...but I could change. 

The thing is, we are all changing - there is no choice, no autonomy from that truth. From our conception, perhaps even before, the very elements that integrate to create our 'being' in thought and action all result from perpetual flux. We are never not changing. Our inter-connectivity ensures this. I believe we are all connected and connected to all things and there is no opt out. There is no beginning and no end. There is only change. Every action we take, every thought we create, every smile and frown is an agent of change and, like ripples in the sea, our thoughts and actions change our world, change our universe. 

So, why do I bring it up then, like change is an option, a choice? As usual, it ends up being about me, because I need to write about what I know, my own experience, my truth and, the fact is, I'm swimming through a rather high tide of change at the moment. I'll spare you the gory details - suffice to say, it's significant. 

I share my thoughts with you because if any of you are going through change, I want you to know you can make it! Don't let it drown you. If you need to be swept along with it for a while, that can be okay. Conserve your energy and dig in when it's important, when you need to get to shore and rest. Breathe in and breathe out. Repeat. All will be well. Remember to share your stories as you go through them. It will ease your burden and the burdens of those around you. We learn from one another through experience. 

"If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?'" - Oprah Winfrey

Be the change - we are anyway. I suppose we just have to choose the kind of legacy we will leave as a result of the change we are, the change we create.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. February 28, 2015

Published March 01, 2015

The Rose Garden - Fairmont Empress Hotel

Victoria, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2011

 The Beautiful Mountains of Molokai

Gillian Cornwall, c. December 2014

Sunset on Maui

Gillian Cornwall, c. December 2014