Cleansing the River Woman

Gillian Cornwall, c. October 2015

She is but a river exposed to the ways of man.

There are those who have stolen from her pure banks, pillaging pirates who took what was not theirs to steal. She has risen up again and again to rid their violence from her waters and wash their hurt from this life she claims as her own and one with all.

She tries. She flows. At times, she fails and hangs her river head in shame, as poison spills onto the skins and into the hearts of those she holds most dear.

She wonders, "Can a river be so harmed, so filthy, that she must run dry in order to save what remains as good around her? Can the harm she thought survived, turn her own waters black, poisoned and toxic to the world?" Yet, she flows forward - trying to be stronger, better, safer, cleaner, kinder and knowing the hurts put upon her, now hurt those she loves and those that love her, and it is an ugly thing for those she loves to see and feel.

The toxic waste within her waters strangles air and light from beauty, strength and goodness. She loses her way, her light, her friends and her loves. All those she once served move on in search of sweeter waters. She struggles on in search of cleansing ways and purification so that she may serve well once again.

She cannot continue as a conduit of poison. Those who hurt her, in turn, hurt all she holds dear as that which was forced into her, erupts as poison from her banks upon the ears, eyes, sweet lips and hearts of those she loves most dearly, stealing, thieving, and burning beauty.

She works hard. She tries to cleanse it. She tries to make herself clean and to love well but the toxin is so strong at times. She love you so, yet look at what she does and the shame she feels. And so the cycle goes. Fear breeds anger. Anger breeds hate and hate poisons love.

She is brave at times and a tired coward at others. The work is hard and ceaseless. She reinvents herself daily. She does her best and some days her best is but a disappointment. She flows through your lives as best she can, yet her water love at times runs tainted by every body that has poured their poison into her once sweet waters.

She asks for understanding, if not forgiveness. She learns to expect none as she battle the demons and thieves and wishes you wellness in your lives and in all the loves you give and in all your loves received, wherever you must go to find it.

No matter who comes nor goes, she works on to expunge the poison, to recreate a free, fresh mountain stream, to forgive the ones who stole, to cleanse their hurt from her life force, to fend off the detritus, to filter the toxins out through her reeds and pebbled bed.

At times, she does succeed, at times the banks erode and cave in upon her, and her waters run muddy once more.

To the ones with patient hearts, to those who do forgive, to those who stand strong through the storm, to those who protect themselves from the torrent, she bows her head to you in shame, she bends to your feet in gratitude, with a promise to try again, to continue in her cleansing, for we all deserve to quench our thirst for joy and peace and comfort without the fear of being washed away or poisoned."

-Gillian Cornwall, c. August 20, 2017

 

Gillian Cornwall, c. October, 2015

Surrender

"Is this the snowflake that attacked you?"

I surrender. I'm getting out of the sandbox. I don't want to play nice. There is no way you are getting me out of my pyjamas today and, yes, I might choose to have candy for supper. 

I can definitely put the "I give in" stamp of authenticity on this day. 

I knew when I cut myself on my own pyjamas this morning that it was time to raise the white flag. Seriously? Who cuts themselves on their own pyjamas?! 

Me, that's who, so I give in for today. Unto itself, while absurd, an attack from ones own pyjama bottoms might not be enough to shut down a day, but when it is on top of an extremely stressful time that is chock-a-block with a massive dental bill that will sink me into an even deeper financial quagmire of insurmountable debt, impending unemployment, rent going up next month, no money to pay for PTSD counselling and a finished book that I have no idea how to publish, I'm feeling a little down in the dumps right now, so I say:

"Thanks for knocking the stuffing out of me, life. The snowflake bling attack by my own pyjama bottoms was the last straw! I am going undercover for the day to try to find a way forward without losing my mind." 

Yep, it was the offending snowflake captured in the mugshot above. Pyjama bling pushed me over the edge. Hand bleeding, cleaned and bandaged, I sit down to write this - not because I want you to feel sorry for me (...feel free to do so if you want, or just roll a bottle of wine into the room and leave quietly), but because I know that we all have days like this. 

We cope, we cope and we cope some more. We exercise our stiff upper lips until we could use them as shelving; however, sometimes, you just gotta give in to the chaos and do whatever it will take to get you through the moment. 

And giving in is different than giving up. I don't want to end it all. I actually want it to be better, easier, kinder and more gentle. I don't want to look at my pyjamas as a potential threat to my personal security - that kinda takes the pleasure out of pyjama day - but I do have the capacity to adjust my angle to the shit storm swirling around me. ....so I cut the offending snowflake off my jammies. It's a shame really - it totally added to the pretty winter ambiance of the garment ...but not worth the health risk. 

I love that snowflake. I hate that snowflake. I was so happy when I bought these pyjamas. I wore them when I was taken up island to the lovely cabin for my 55th birthday. I sat in them in front of the cozy wood-burning fireplace and felt so content and special. Who knew they were plotting and preparing to turn on me at any moment. I have to believe it was an accident. Life... full of the unexpected: joy and hardship and sorrow and ease.

The pyjamas are like certain other experiences in my life. They do not intend to harm or make me suffer and yet I do suffer. Am I choosing to suffer? Yes, the cut hurts from the offending snowflake. I am astounded by the depth of the puncture it was able to make in my normally resilient hide. Was it done with malice? Was it about me at all? Of course not. Even I am not off the beam so far that I believe that. It's likely that most of the other things that have tripped me up on my path of life were not done with an intent to leave me penniless, harmed or on the streets. Yet, that has happened before and could happen again.

S**t happens ...to all of us. Rich, poor, powerful, weak - no one is exempt. 

I sure hope I don't end up out of work and homeless. I've been there already when I was younger and it was awful. The prospect of it terrifies me. I'm too old and sore to sleep on the ground or to stay up all night so I can stay safe from attack and sleep during the day. 

I wish I could stay where I am currently working. I went into it knowing that probably wouldn't happen as I am just covering someone's leave. I love this job. I love the people with whom I work. It is the first time in my life I have felt safe enough to be myself and the first time I have felt valued for my work and not "othered" because of my identity. I am eternally grateful to my friends and colleagues for the experience and I know that I am doing a good job. They have told me so and I know because I feel valued and valuable for my skills and my work ethic. My identity doesn't come into play any further than being a good person, a kind person and a hard-working person so, of course I don't want to leave. 

Imagine feeling safe and valued for the first time in your life - feeling a part of something for the first time in your life and then potentially having to walk away from it. The prospect of it sucks. It's life. I'm grateful for the experience, hopeful that I may get to continue to have it some way and afraid of never feeling safe again if it ends. ...Not to mention, having to leave working with some of the best, most kind people I have ever known! I will carry them with me always. 

Even in writing this, I fear punishment for speaking any of the truth of my past experiences - many things we fear come from the reality of our histories; nonetheless, I suppose there comes a time when you just say what is going on for you. Without malice, without expectation for change, you just speak your truth because, like Oprah said, everyone just wants to be seen, heard and to know that what they said meant something to someone. 

Snowflake - I know you didn't mean to harm me. :-) It's all going to be okay - no matter what.

With love always,

Gillian Cornwall, c. February 5, 2017.

Dedicated to my work family. Thank you.

The pyjamas in happier times...

G Cornwall, c. December 16, 2016

Autumn Life

Wild Kitten, Autumn in Saanich

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2014

"The thought manifests as the word,

The word manifests as the deed,

The deed develops into habit,

And the habit hardens into character.

So watch the thought and its way with care,

And let it spring from love

Born out of concern for all beings."

K. Sri Dhammananda

-How to Live Without Fear and Worry

There is no light so great as the light of the universe that shines through me. With this light, I have all that I need. That which is not held cannot be taken. I will continue to walk my path of truth regardless of the decisions of others. I cannot be made to act against my heart. The light of life shines through me eternal. There is peace in this. No matter what is said or done around me, I act in my best truth and light. Aloha. The breath of god flows through me. I am one with all. Peace and light are my path.

As we rocket ourselves into autumn for another year of "busy-ness," let us not forget these words. Our connections to one another - our time and truth - are of the utmost importance to our survival - more than our schedules, regiments and our desire to fill our days with "busy." Hug your children. Play with them. Listen to your elders. Speak your truth kindly. Stop and talk to a stranger who looks lost or lonely. Add one simple "e" to who you are by being humane, rather than just human. 

Gillian Cornwall, September 4

Original text edited from, May 24, 2012

Pattypan Squash, Dan's Farm Market, Saanich

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2014

It's All Good

Tod Inlet - Gowland Tod Park, Vancouver Island

Gillian Cornwall, c. March 2016

"It's all good." 

How many times do we hear that phrase bantered around? If someone tells us they are sorry they were late, sorry they hurt our feelings, often we assume the best and say, "Don't worry; it's all good." Sometimes, the actions of others impact us and we feel worthless, saddened and invalidated.

How do we integrate the hard stuff of life: pain, suffering, heartache, trauma, sickness and loss into the "it's all good" mode of thinking?

Maybe we can't. Loss is loss. Feeling sh*t is just that. 

The thing is, we are created with the full suite of emotional response. Why? Quite simply, it is because we are made to experience the entire suite of experiences, from love to loss, pleasure to pain, in sickness and in health, blah, blah, blah, as the vows go... 

It interests me to note that when I am having trouble and I express it, whatever kind of trouble it may be, some folks are hell bent at looking at the bright side before acknowledging the hurt, pain or suffering. Perhaps it is just too difficult to see, too difficult to acknowledge and accept that you are hurting without wanting to "do something" about it. Anger, fear, sorrow - often thought of as "negative" emotions - are simply the flip side experience of their "positive" counterparts: love, joy, comfort and so on. 

Personally, I find that it is such an honest and heartfelt experience of truth when someone tells me how they REALLY are and I don't try to fix it. I think it is important to be present and to actively listen and accept a person with all of their emotions - that is humanity. To blanket suffering with platitudes and a "glass half full" mentality is not a panacea for pain. 

We needn't get into the crevasse with someone when they are down, nor do we need to tell them that they will have an awesome story to tell if they live through it ....while they are stuck in there and terrified and we are up top eating a sandwich. 

I find what is most helpful for me is finding a willing ear, acceptance that I have fallen, acknowledgement that I am hurt and a light shining - maybe helpful comments and pointing to good, solid footholds to guide me out - for what good is the person that simply jumps in with you and says, "I have no way of really helping but, at least we're in here together!"

I need to work on my empathy because I've joined too many people in the crevasse over the years and it has made me extra wary of loaning a hand and getting pulled in. I think of what they tell you in water rescue when someone is drowning: you need to be able to keep yourself from being pulled under. Perhaps just throwing a flotation device and saying "See you on shore!" is a bit of the opposite extreme... Like everyone, I'm a work in progress. 

Additionally, I may need to keep my truth to myself a bit more instead of relentlessly sharing every single thing I perceive to be true. Often people will say they don't mind, and they may believe it, but I suppose spewing your truth like a geyser, as regularly and magnificently as Old Faithful, may be a bit overwhelming for those who are near and dear. 

If I were to wrap this post up in one sentence: "It's okay to feel bad and not pretend you feel good." 

...And because I can never do anything in just one sentence, it's also okay to take a break from feeling bad and go try to enjoy yourself for awhile. It sets things on their heads and can give us new perspectives. 

You needn't fake it til you make it. Be you. Trust yourself. You are perfect on your path. Just keep walking, one step at a time and allow people to light the way for you when the darkness comes. Maybe other folks can't tell you exactly where you should be going, but they can offer a smile, a light or a helping hand. 

So, what does it mean? "It's all good." For me, it means all of your feelings, all of your emotions, are good - when you let them help you down your own particular path to enlightenment and peace with an open and loving heart, replete with self-acceptance and respect for the path of another.

As always, let's walk our paths, side by side, for as long as it is good for each of us, with good hearts and good intent.

With love.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. July 3, 2016

From Sheila's Garden - Somerton, Somerset, UK

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015

Space

Less Fear = More Time

Gillian Cornwall, c. May, 2016

Space: even the act of writing or speaking the word helps me to breathe a little more deeply. It denotes an air of sufficiency - a sense that there is enough, enough of whatever it is you need for peace. It indicates room to stop and simply be. Space allows us to let go off the "busy as a badge of honour" pretence of importance that has been rampantly awarded in the last decade. The busier we are, the more we validate ourselves and one another. I recall a time when I could ask someone, "How are you?" and receive a different answer than, "Busy." The sad thing is, the busier we claim to be, the less we seem to be accomplishing. I strongly believe that if we stop, breathe, hold our space and let the energy of the universe flow through us, we will be less stressed, less fearful, more joyful and increase our capacity for true accomplishment.

Why are people working 24 hours a day on their mobile devices, doing email and attempting to complete tasks? There isn't really more work than there used to be; it is that we have convinced ourselves it must be done more quickly. We have convinced ourselves that it is expected of us; however, I see few job descriptions that have changed to indicate that the hours of work are 24/7. We are allowing our mobiles devices to rule our lives rather than serve our lives and, in this practice, we have completely lost the art of stopping and taking space.

I am learning to replace the artlessness of being busy with the art of stopping. I am busy with release - moments of release from all but assessing my own wants and needs. Does it sound selfish? Is selfishness wrong if the result is greater capacity for giving? If we do not know what we want or need for ourselves, how can we possibly be ready and able to serve others? Self-fulfilment is essential - we must be able to fill ourselves in order to participate and interact effectively outside of ourselves. 

How clear and honest can we be in a world that so values chicanery and conniving? I watch many people clawing their way to mere perceptions of power that are so far gone from truth and knowledge. I feel as though I have been air-dropped onto the set of an underfunded, unknown opera: there is a great deal of effort being put into attempts at singing and drama and swordplay, but everyone seems to have lost the plot!

I am letting go. I do not need to question the acts of others nor challenge them. I do not need to know, understand nor fix behaviours I perceive as unfair. I need to work, pay bills, keep a safe space for myself, write and create art that I hope will ultimately draw people closer to themselves and to their inter-connectivity with the universal energy force; for it is this force that offers us space and the knowledge that there is enough - when we let go, when we stop holding on with fear of loss. Listen to the waves, the wind, the bird song - their lyrics are the same - "let go and fly free of fear." It really is your life. 

There will always be the subtle balance of maintaining our wants with our needs; however, if we do not stop to create space to breathe and listen, we will always be afraid of losing something. We will always fear insufficiency.

Let us balance our outer space with our inner until we can live fully in the space of greatest intake and output. Let us save ourselves with a balance between thought (inner) and action (outer). Balance is where we will find our greatest capacity for achievement. One may fuel the ship to its greatest capacity, but if one is not keeping an eye open for obstacles, well, we know the result - tragic and unnecessary loss. 

Stop. Seek your space. Refuel. Trust yourself. Move forward. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. May 15, 2016

Seek Your Space

Gillian Cornwall, c May, 2016

Being True to You

Photo and Drawing by:

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2011

"When you're weary

Feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all..."

Paul Simon 

Simon and Garfunkel

Well that was a rough week - one of the hard ones and the stuff I'm processing, well, it's going to be hard and it's going to take a while. That is the truth, my truth ...and it's okay. For someone who works with the ways of being human every week, sometimes I'm astounded at how long and bumpy my road is with this lesson:

"Difficult is okay. Be true to yourself." 

How often have we glazed over our hard times with a handy "I'm fine, thanks" or an "I'm good." Of course, you are good. We all aim to be good. 

This past week, I have been processing some difficult issues, the content of which is not the subject of this post. The subject is, how to maintain the truth of how you are feeling without necessarily going into the details of it unless it is warranted AND accepting the truth from a person without being a fixer. The act of acknowledgement is, at times, the most healing thing. AND, you can simply say to someone who is struggling, "Thank you for sharing your truth with me. If there is something I can do or help you find what you need to get through this, let me know. I could talk after work at 4:30?" OR: "Are you okay in this moment or do we need to get you some help right now?"

The thing is, many of us were raised to fake it 'til we make it and sometimes that is okay too. Sometimes, you just gotta put it away until you get somewhere safe or somewhere you can rest and process. I think the main thing is to be accepting of yourself not being okay all the time. There is so much that we go through in our lives and so much that we witness because of the access of information. It is easy to have your own stuff triggered when faced with streams of video, text and images from the experience of others. 

Again, I think it is how we deal with our hardship that counts. We humans are easy to read. Our difficulty shows in our faces, our actions, our words and our body language. Trying to hide it only results in confusion for those around us. We people function much better when we have some information to go on and when we follow those darn Four Agreements! Here I go again:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Do your best.

It's okay not to be doing great. It's okay to own it. It's okay to say that you have it covered when you do and that you need help when that is the case. Remember, if you are very deep in your struggle and someone doesn't get it, is uncomfortable with your trouble or grief, is annoyed that you are not "behaving properly" or punishes you in any way for your truth, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR VALUE! It is about their capacity to help. Check out last week's post, The Life Compassionate for more on this. Do not give up or think you are undeserving if someone disappoints you when you are honest or reach out. It is truly only a reflection of their capacity to help you, NOT your worthiness of their help.

The truth is, we all struggle at times. Some of us hide away and plod through it silently. This may work on some level for some people if they do not need to get to the root of the trouble or, sometimes the trouble is based in a lack of sleep, hormonal shifts, poor diet, not enough serotonin to the brain / exercise. A large number of things can make for a difficult week that will in fact shift with a lifestyle adjustment. It is up to each of us how we choose to walk our healing path. Just know, it is okay to put down the heavy burden of hurt and say, "This is no longer mine to carry alone."

It's the cumulative, long-term troubles that concern me as necessary to shift, raise up, look at, acknowledge, evaluate and place appropriately for healing and growth to occur. Some things need to be put down and unpacked for the betterment of community, society and the individuals that have been carrying them alone for years.  

In light of the Truth and Reconciliation report this week and the impact this has on the people on this land and particularly, the people of this land, I want to acknowledge the horrific atrocities experienced by our Indigenous communities. In particular, the experiences of those who were forced from their homes and communities into the residential schools across Canada. The last residential school closed in 1996. The CBC has a history of residential schools in Canada and the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada site is here: http://www.trc.ca/websites/trcinstitution/index.php?p=3

I offer my sincere apologies to my Indigenous brothers and sisters on whose unceded lands I am an uninvited visitor. I do not claim to know or understand your loss but I stand beside you with my heart and arms open in the hopes that we can heal from these crimes together. To the elders, thank you for your strength, your truth and your willingness to share your truth. This post is dedicated to you.

Be well, be true and seek joy, my friends. You all deserve it.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. June 7, 2015

Lana'i

Gillian Cornwall, c 2012

Be Brilliant, Bold and Mitigate Expectations

University of Victoria - Spring Blossoms

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2013

"Go to the place your soul calls home

and be there for the pure joy of life."

I have decided to republish this piece from last August as I have been reminded of it by the adventures and tribulations along my current path.The lessons here are crucial for me to learn ...and learn again.

My brother once told me, "Expect nothing and hope for the best." Many seasons have passed since he imparted this sage advice and, to this day, hope and expectation can blur on my page, like once vivid watercolours, running from brilliant individual rivulets into a murky pool.

Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love.

There they go again, marching across the page, weaving together the precept of every piece I've ever written. Tiresome isn't it? ...but also true. With every step, every breath, every crossroad, we must decide which path to tread. 

This brings me to the title of this week's piece. Let's look at the parts:

Brilliant: Bright, clever, impressive, excellent - from the French brillant: shining

Bold: Willing to take risks, confident, courageous

Mitigate: Make something (bad) less severe or lessen the gravity of something painful; from Latin mitigat: softened, alleviated

So, it looks like I'm saying: shine and be courageous but make sure you do it as your truth rather than from a desire to receive a response or change from something or someone else because, if you expect results, you can be disappointed or hurt. Yes. That is what I meant. Good. Sorry to take you down that road with me but I wanted to make sure I was going where I needed to go with this. 

Hope: v. want something to happen or be the case

Interestingly, hope, as a verb, relates more to want than expectation; whereas, as a noun, expectation is dominant in the use of the word.

Expect: v. regard something as likely to happen

My brother's wise words convey that it is okay to want something but not to rely on it. I agree with this too.

Recognize that the greater your brilliance, boldness and joie de vivre, the more likely it is that you will be met with an equal and opposite energy of naysayers and folks who need to shadow themselves from your light. I want to remind you that reaction is not a measure of the value of your action. If your intent is for the positive, if your action comes from a place of love rather than a place of fear, then you may listen and consider but it is not for you to own or carry the reaction of another. 

So if you shine, shine. Be bold. Explore. Your light may be the very thing that someone needs to light their path or it may take you to a place that opens your heart and soul to reaches beyond your imagination. Do not let your brilliance and boldness be extinguished by other people's fears. Your light is a foundation of greatness, of living a full and passionate life. Do not walk your path as though it is a red carpet, looking for or expecting applause or judgement. Walk your path for the journey, for the delight and learning of life. I'll see you along the way. 

-Gillian Cornwall, revisited on January 24, 2015

From the original, published on August 24, 2014

My Friend and Teacher - Princess

Gillian Cornwall, c. Spring 2014

Organ Lessons, not expected

Gillian Cornwall, c. Spring 2014

Oak Bay Primrose

Gillian Cornwall, c. Spring 2014

Be Brilliant, Bold and Mitigate Expectations

Photo of copied design, ink on paper

Words by Nana Veary

My brother once told me, "Expect nothing and hope for the best." Many seasons have passed since he imparted this sage advice and, to this day, hope and expectation can blur on my page like once vivid watercolours, running from brilliant individual rivulets into a murky pool.

Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love. Fear. Love.

There they go again, marching across the page, weaving together the precept of every piece I've ever written. Tiresome, isn't it? ...but also true. With every step, every breath, every crossroad, we must decide which path to tread. 

This brings me to the title of this week's piece. Let's look at the parts:

Brilliant: bright, clever, impressive, excellent - from the French brillant: shining

Bold: willing to take risks, confident, courageous

Mitigate: make something (bad) less severe or lessen the gravity of something painful; from Latin mitigat- softened, alleviated

So, it looks like I'm saying: shine and be courageous but make sure you do it as your truth rather than from a desire to receive a response or change from something or someone because if you expect results, you can be disappointed or hurt. Yes, that is what I meant. Good. Sorry to take you down that road with me but I wanted to make sure I was going where I need to go with this. 

Hope: v. want something to happen or be the case 

Interestingly, as a verb, hope relates more to want than expectation; whereas, as a noun, expectation is dominant in the use of the word

Expect: v. regard something as likely to happen

My brother's wise words convey that it is okay to want something but not to rely on it. I agree with this too.

Recognize that the greater your brilliance, boldness and joie de vivre, the more likely it is that you will be met with an equal and opposite energy of naysayers and folks who need to shadow themselves from your light. I want to remind you that reaction is not a measurement of the value of your action. If your intent is for the positive, if your action comes from a place of love rather than fear, then you may listen and consider but it is not for you to own or carry the reaction of another. 

So if you shine, shine. Be bold. Explore. Your light may be the very thing that someone needs to light their path or it may take you to a place that opens your heart and soul to reaches you have never imagined. Do not let your brilliance and boldness be extinguished by other people's fears. Your light is a foundation of greatness, of living a full and passionate life. Do not walk your path as though it is a red carpet, looking for applause or judgement. Walk your path for the journey, for the delight and learning of life. I'll see you along the way. 

-Gillian Cornwall, August 24, 2014.

One of the happiest times of my life

at Kaiolohia, Lana'i, Hawaii, 2006.

"Go to the place your soul calls home

and be there for the pure joy of life."