Camaraderie and joie de vivre

Indigent Smurf, Goes by name "Papa"

Gillian Cornwall, c August 15, 2015

camaraderie and joie de vivre

How does it happen - the change from fine to not fine? How do we lose our ability to commit - socially, financially, with friends, or with lovers? When did the fear roll in like a weighty summer storm, our personal barometric pressure rising and falling throughout the day without warning or comprehension of the cause. When did we stop going to visit each other at home or say "yes" to a simple dinner invitation? When did we lose our ability to commit and begin to favour couch and Netflix over the company of friends and loved ones? When did we become too "busy" for one another? Are we afraid our homes are not fine enough to share with friends if we lack the granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances (thank you, HGTV)? Why don't you come over to my not-so-styling,1970's apartment building so we can discuss it over a glass of wine or a cup of tea?

There is no purpose in looking to me for the answers. This week, I haven't the answers - just more questions. I will speculate along with the best of them but I can't make any facts stick. My first speculation leans to perceived time available and fear - fear of commitment to anything or anyone. Maybe it's too much choice so we wait and wait for the best option until all the options have passed us by and we go back to our Netflix and Facebook. 

Maybe it's just me and this is just self-serving tripe; however, it is harder to get people to commit to a coffee date (no, I don't mean a "date-date," just a get together), lunch, brunch, dinner, walk, trip to Tahiti - anything really.... This isn't a judgement piece either, because while I am frustrated by it, I do it as well - often. I worry that I won't have the money, the energy or the time when the time comes to join / participate or I feel anxious about the tasks I have set for myself in my own life and I don't think I've time to stop to be with the people I want to get to know or the people I love. 

Weird. I never used to be this way. Is it a symptom of ageing? I hope not... I don't want to be a "fuddy-duddy." I think just writing "fuddy-duddy" kind of makes me one and now I've gone and done it twice! 

I wonder how much of it has to do with SNS (social network service) usage. One study by Daria Kuss and Mark D. Griffiths in the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health from 2011 certainly indicates a negative correlation with people who spend more time in SNS and spend less time socializing IRL (in real life). This being said, I have a group of wonderful friends who use SNS to facilitate their IRL experiences - to meet for coffee, meals and activities - and I love these folks. I want more of this. The strange thing is I don't see them that often because they have more expendable income for socializing because they are, for the most part, in couples. Again - not judging, just saying that I think it makes it easier. 

I do some things alone. I take myself on walks, I go shopping and I take myself to events but it would be awfully nice to do more things with a friend. At times, I wonder if new female acquaintances are concerned that I am "asking them out" so they say they are busy to avoid a potential awkward refusal of a request for a date. If any of you are doing this, it's okay. If I am interested in you as more than a friend, I will tell you and then you can say, "no thanks" and we can just carry on with our friendship. 

I do get invited to large group social events by friends or through Meetup but I can find large group activities difficult as I am somewhat Introverted. I prefer socializing one-on-one or in small groups as I am distracted at events with large numbers of people. It renders me, well, out of focus - I can't concentrate on one person in the hum of voices. 

I am speculating. I don't know why I engage in social blocking behaviours. Maybe SNS leave me engaged and tired in one regard, but dissatisfied with the lack of actual physical presence in another. I do believe we need to be actually "with" one another at times. It's why I am flying half way around the world next month. I need to be "with" my UK friends and family. I need to look into the eyes of my relations for something that cannot be gleaned through Facebook. Don't get me wrong; I am eternally grateful for the social platforms with which I engage my community but I need more. I want them to lead me to your doors, to be present, to offer you my friendship and camaraderie. I don't care what your house is like or if you have things. I want to share stories with you, laugh with you, hold you when you are sad and alone and celebrate you in your successes. I want you to hear me cheer for you and pass you a cup of tea to comfort you. 

Perhaps there are a multitude of reasons for our increasing social anxiety, depression and disengagement from physical engagement with folks. Certainly being fifty, single, gay and less wealthy than some of my peers doesn't help, but I believe there are other reasons based on our tech age at play. Fear is at play. Anxiety is at epidemic levels in our society. Cultures outside of mainstream North American society seem to be suffering less with this ....so, what is it? Do we have so much that we have seized up like an overtaxed mule with the burden of our wealth?

I hope I see you soon to discuss it. In the meantime, open the curtains. Look outside. Smile at a stranger on the street. Go meet someone for coffee. Draw a picture. Write a poem. Let's make sure we still can reach out beyond the comfort of the keyboard and see, smell, touch, hear and taste the world outside, with love and kindness. 

-Gillian Cornwall, c. August 16, 2015

This post is dedicated to the amazing group of individuals with whom I shared the weekend on Protection Island in August of 2015, with particular props to John and Sara - y'all stretch my heart. xo

 ...or let go

Gillian Cornwall, c August 2015

Peace, halfway

Gillian Cornwall, c. August 2015

 Friends

Gillian Cornwall, c August 2015

wade in the water

Gillian Cornwall, c. August 2015

Commitment

Seek to Enjoy, Not to Possess - Nana Veary

Commitment - the first thing I think of is relationships but I mean much more than this. How do we look at commitment? Are we not actually committing to ourselves above all? 

I am definitely having commitment issues right now, but not in the way you might imagine. Perhaps I am overly committed. Maybe I need to ..."Decommission?" Not sure. That makes me sound like a battleship! I only know that I hold my promises and commitments quite sacred. I will try and try to meet that which I have promised - at work, at play (socially), in relationship and to myself (physically, mentally and spiritually). 

Right now I feel as though I am failing on all fronts. Here are some examples:

1. My novel is STILL not finished.
2. I don't write nearly as much as I used to write. 
3. I don't see my friends as much as I would like.
4. My health is not great (not eating well, not enough exercise nor sleep and too much sitting at work).
5. I do not spend enough time in spiritual self-care (meditation, Qi Gong)
6. I am not challenged enough in my work.

...and those are just a few. I love my volunteer work and I feel valued by those who have engaged me. I do a fair bit of equity and diversity work and it is greatly satisfying. I want to be clear that I never think EVERYTHING is not good. I always find some good in my life.

I feel as though I am a giant Jenga game right now. I need a shift, a change, but will the whole structure tumble if one piece is added or removed?

I remember Nana Veary's lesson (in the image above): "Seek to enjoy, not to possess." This directly impacts my view of my own commitment. Are the things which I must release just the promises and commitments I have made to myself? Others seem to have no difficulty with this - happy for the change. I deserve to enjoy - everyone does, but why does it seem so difficult to do at times?

I think part of it stems from the way I was raised. "Do as you promised. Stick with what you started." - no matter how far off the rails you go. "Why?" Perhaps it is time to commit to change, to letting go. Perhaps, once again, it is my own fear that holds me to these oaths. 

These are all questions for which I do not necessarily have answers, but I feel the ground rumbling. I feel a shift and sense a change on the wind. I will do my best to open my heart, mind and soul to the wonders and take another step down the road, the great gift of life. 

 Jump in. Gumby at China Beach.

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2010.