A Woman of No Nation

On the way to Stow on the Wold

Gillian Cornwall, c. September 2015

I am a woman with her feet each on two different islands with a continent and an ocean between. I am alone, singular. I belong to no-one and I have few people near. My life lacks an embedded continuity and I have never "fit in." I have rarely had a sense of belonging and now look to it only as a sense of place in the universe, for belonging must mean that there are borders - an inside and an outside. Someone must always be outside and that causes pain.

Being in romantic relationships with women for the majority of my adult life has not always been a fabulous experience. I have been ostracized and harmed by people outside of my relationships and I have felt insufficient from within them. Many women in female / female relationships within my age group suffered harm if they came out at a young age or, by appearance, didn't meet the expectations and demands of the hetero-normative people in their lives - mostly males, though oppressed straight women also became oppressors because of hetero-normative socialization and their fear of repercussion from oppressive males in their lives. In the early days, male-female roles were predominant in lesbian and gay relationships though I never understood why we would buy into the same restrictive gender socializations experienced in heterosexual lifestyle. I used to cringe when people would ask, "Which one of you is the man?" ....seriously. Between all of that and being beaten, sexually assaulted, had work taken away for no reason but my identity, lost promotion for no reason but my identity, and generally considered as "less than" for not being with men and not bearing children has left me, at the very least, tired and worn. I am grateful for where I work now. It is the safest I have ever felt as an adult in the workplace.

I am single these days and I have a greater sense of peace in myself. In relationship, I inevitably feel as though I am letting the person down and I feel less than adequate to both my own and a partner's expectations. These are definitely not blame statements as I take complete responsibility for my choices and my own happiness and misery. I always have been responsible for my own emotions and feelings; however, all the relationships throughout our lives can complicate our personal sense of justice and conflate our sense of wrong-doing. My inability to be a good partner, largely arises from the PTSD I live with as a result of the harm done to me throughout my life. It has very little impact on my work ability but a significant impact on my personal life and my ability to meet the expectations of a partner.

I think I am a good friend though I think my honesty costs me and I have learned, and continue to learn, to temper that honesty with kindness.

Sometimes I feel sad and angry because of the oppression, violence, discrimination and terror I have faced in being a woman who has loved other women ... and, really, simply because I am a woman. It has taken a great deal away from me. A person cannot be violently attacked multiple times and have it not leave a mark.

I think that the painful aspects of my history are, in part, that which has taken away my desire for any kind of sexual identity/orientation. I still get punished for who I am and that harm is actually acknowledged less, because people think everything is all rainbows and lollipops now. The truth is, the haters and oppressors remain; they are just more clever with their oppression because they know that laws have changed out of their favour. They continue to punish others for not being like them, but they make it impossible to prove. So I relinquish the part of me that gets hated - my sexuality - though they will still hate me because they see that I don't want them. I am not gay. I am not straight. I am not, well, anything. I am of no use to them. I suppose I am a threat by the mere fact of my existence. Not awesome.

Many women of my age are considered to be a worthless commodity to men. As we are often no longer objectified as sexual property we are treated as worthless, we are ostracized in the workplace and, sometimes, less malleable than younger employees. Many of us would likely end up cast off to sea on an ice float if they hadn't all melted as a result of corporate greed/climate change. (Funny? ...not funny.)

I suppose some of you may read this and think I am a sad thing. I am not so. More often, I am less sad than I have been in quite some time. I am throwing off some of the burdens and expectations of my youth. Perhaps you think I need counselling - who doesn't? I have had decades of it and will likely continue to do so. If I still had a permanent job, I could afford it.

Perhaps one day I will choose to have some sort of love-like relationship, but I don't need to worry about that right now.

I need to continue to work - hopefully until retirement age - and I will spend my time away from work making art and writing stories and enjoying the companionship of a few friends who bother to keep in touch. I will probably feel a bit lonely at times but who doesn't feel lonely at times, regardless of their relationship status.

Find your peace. Find your joy. Be kind. Speak your truth. Feed your body with clean water and clean food. Be content in each beautiful moment of this gift of life. Try to remember that you are loved and essential to the universal energy of all and that you are a whole, perfect being on each step of your journey. This is what I tell myself. Most days I can get on with it, others just beat me down. Social media is chock-a-block with fictionalized "positivity." The fact is, at times, all of our lives are hard bloody slogging. For those of you who feel this is true, I hope it brings you some solace to know that I see you; I get it and I care. 

Hopefully reading this won't send you into a deeper despair; rather, I hope it lifts you up to know there are others who are finding it brutally hard at times, are saying so and hanging on for the good bits that inevitably come because science and statistics dictate the balance. Later today, I will go outside for a bit of a walk, likely alone, but I'll go. I'll do it because I know it will be beautiful out there. There are blossoms on the trees and wee birds and squirrels busy with Spring. I will pick up a few groceries and walk home. For today, that will bring me joy. I will smile at someone who looks sad or worried and hope that it helps to lift their spirits. That will be enough. You, you are enough. You always have been. 

With love to each of you. 

Gillian Cornwall, c. April 2, 2017

The Heavens

G. Cornwall, c. 2015.

One Foot

One Foot

Gillian Cornwall, c June 2015

This photo aptly describes my current state. I am dark grey and segmented. One foot bravely treads forward despite the lack of strength and vigour for which I am usually known. I so wish I had an uplifting post for you, something that would have you go away, waving flags and racing into your life with a big smile but, the fact is, I'm not back there yet. Nonetheless, you have my honesty and my best effort for today and I hope it brings you something valuable.

Last week I told you it had been a rough week for me and that hasn't gone away. As a matter of fact, it's been harder. Work has been more challenging, relationships have been rocky and explosive and my ability to cope has hit an all time low, but I'm here and I'm telling you about it. I am doing so, not because i want you to join me down here in my dark, black hole, but because I want you to know that I am still moving, still trying, looking for ways to move forward, to get back out, asking for help and finding ways to keep going, even if the help is not always there when I need it or from whom I expect it. 

I don't want you in here with me. I don't want you to try to fix it. I want you to hear the story of how I got here (Give me time, I'm working on that one and it's big!), acknowledge that it is hard and then offer to shine a light down here if you have one so I can find my own way out. There you have the "person in the hole" parable / analogy or whatever. I like it. It works for me.

It helps that I really dislike physical pain. I have had enough of it over the course of my life and having read up on the ways to die - they all suck. In fact, they all seem to suck way worse than the pain I am experiencing in my life right now. So here I am and I am staying and I think I understand why some people get to the point where they kill themselves. They must have struggled so hard and the pain of their lives must be so impossibly intense that the pain of death would be lesser than the pain of living. Unfathomable.

For any or all of you who have been through this, I love you and have compassion for you. It is horrible and the struggle is epic. I reached out this weekend and though no one is actually physically here, the mighty power of good in social media, particularly private DMs in Twitter have got me through and helped me feel less alone. I am not saying that these can replace a hug, someone wrapping themselves around you so you can still feel that you have a body, that you are real and that you are loved; I kept my engagements this weekend and got what I needed in that regard as well. 

Keep trying. Keep walking your path. Crawl if you have to do so. Own your shit and keep going. Please. Seek help. Let's get this out in the open. Everyone loses hope at times. Please try to reach out and ask for help and know that you can keep that help on your terms. You needn't hand over your control of the situation. 

Through this hard time, complete strangers have stopped to ask me if I was okay - on foot, walking past and in cars, driving past. Makes me realize how much the weight is showing on me but also makes me realize how many beautiful souls there are out there. The person who stopped their car, right on a busy road, actually offered to give me a lift when the bus driver pulled away just as I was running for the closing door. I hope he realizes the impact of his unkindness and I hope the woman knows how grateful I am for her offer - in this day and age, she put her own fear aside and offered a complete stranger a ride because she saw how upset I was - and it wasn't pretty either - let me assure you. By this point, I was ranting and crying, because when you get this low, it's hard to make the appropriate social decisions and remain within the right social behaviours. The other person was a student at the school where I work. So, for those of you who have lost faith in our youth, be heartened. They are compassionate and caring enough to do such a thing. 

Remember your elders and mentors in your difficult times, as I have turned to mine in this time, when my usual rock-like self is worn to fine sand. Listen to them. They have seen much and travelled far and have usually survived horrors that we cannot imagine. Respect the mother earth and ocean and her ability to survive and sustain us despite the abuse we have shown her. Go to her and ask for guidance. Lay down upon her and offer your tears and your gratitude. She is as alive as your lover, mother or brother. We are not alone but sometimes we have to look to different places for support. Re-frame our patterns. Consider giving to someone else who needs, just when we think we are empty and at our lowest. 

To each of you, I apologize if I continue to appear self-serving in these last few posts. Know that I hope my truth gives you sustenance. There is no perfection to which you must strive. You are perfect if you are showing up. Try to be honest, open and willing to be loved. 

I offer myself up to you each week, in my truth, no matter how hard it is. I hope that it helps, that it gives to you - at least as much as it gives to me. As I write, I picture the eyes I have never seen, next door and around the world, Forgive me my failings. I am but human and in love with life in all its wonder and devastation. 

Here, take my hand and walk with me awhile. 

Love,

Gillian

-Gillian Cornwall, c June 14, 2015

Gore Park, Brentwood Bay

Gillian Cornwall, c. May 2015