It's All Good

On the way to Somerton, UK

c. Gillian Cornwall, September, 2015

"It's all good." Is it all good?

How many times do we hear that phrase bantered around? If someone tells us they are sorry they were late, sorry they hurt our feelings, often we assume the best and say, "Don't worry; it's all good." Sometimes, the actions of others impact us and we feel worthless, saddened and invalidated.

How do we integrate the hard stuff of life: pain, suffering, heartache, trauma, sickness and loss into the "it's all good" mode of thinking?

Maybe we can't. Loss is loss. Feeling sh*t is just that.

The thing is, we are created with the full suite of emotional response. Why? Quite simply, it is because we are made to experience the entire suite of experiences, from love to loss, pleasure to pain, in sickness and in health, blah, blah, blah, as the vows go...

It interests me to note that when I am having trouble and I express it, whatever kind of trouble it may be, some folks are hell bent at looking at the bright side before acknowledging the hurt, pain or suffering. Perhaps it is just too difficult to see, too difficult to acknowledge and accept that you are hurting without wanting to "do something" about it. Anger, fear, sorrow - often thought of as "negative" emotions - are simply the flip side experience of their "positive" counterparts: love, joy, comfort and so on.

Personally, I find that it is such an honest and heartfelt experience of truth when someone tells me how they REALLY are and I don't try to fix it. I think it is important to be present and to actively listen and accept a person with all of their emotions - that is humanity. To blanket suffering with platitudes and a "glass half full" mentality is not a panacea for pain.

We needn't get into the crevasse with someone when they are down, nor do we need to tell them that they will have an awesome story to tell if they live through it ....while they are stuck in there and terrified and we are up top eating a sandwich.

I find what is most helpful for me is finding a willing ear, acceptance that I have fallen, acknowledgement that I am hurt and a light shining - maybe helpful comments and pointing to good, solid footholds to guide me out - for what good is the person that simply jumps in with you and says, "I have no way of really helping but, at least we're in here together!"

I need to work on my empathy because I've joined too many people in the crevasse over the years and it has made me extra wary of loaning a hand and getting pulled in. I think of what they tell you in water rescue when someone is drowning: you need to be able to keep yourself from being pulled under. Perhaps just throwing a flotation device and saying "See you on shore!" is a bit of the opposite extreme... Like everyone, I'm a work in progress.

Additionally, I may need to keep my truth to myself a bit more instead of relentlessly sharing every single thing I perceive to be true. Often people will say they don't mind, and they may believe it, but I suppose spewing your truth like a geyser, as regularly and magnificently as Old Faithful, may be a bit overwhelming for those who are near and dear.

If I were to wrap this post up in one sentence: "It's okay to feel bad and not pretend you feel good."

...And because I can never do anything in just one sentence, it's also okay to take a break from feeling bad and go try to enjoy yourself for awhile. It sets things on their heads and can give us new perspectives.

You needn't fake it til you make it. Be you. Trust yourself. You are perfect on your path. Just keep walking, one step at a time and allow people to light the way for you when the darkness comes. Maybe other folks can't tell you exactly where you should be going, but they can offer a smile, a light or a helping hand.

So, what does it mean? "It's all good." For me, it means all of your feelings, all of your emotions, are good - when you let them help you down your own particular path to enlightenment and peace with an open and loving heart, replete with self-acceptance and respect for the path of another.

As always, let's walk our paths, side by side, for as long as it is good for each of us, with good hearts and good intent.

With love.

-Gillian Cornwall, re-posted June 25, 2017

Original copyright, July 3, 2016

The Northeast Coast of England

c.Gillian Cornwall, September 2015

PRIDE

Pride - as opposed to shame or social stigma. We took the word and marched with it. 

Pride. It's not about tolerance. No-one wants to be tolerated. It's like putting up with something irritating or bad. 

I don't want to be tolerated. I want to be celebrated. Every soul on this earth, all living things can be celebrated - even for one thing, even for potential. From the smallest of creatures to those of the grandest stature, we can find commonalities and differences. Sure - we all just want to live, but let's make that simply the starting point rather than the final goal. 

My culture, my people, have invaded just about every nation in the world in an effort to make other people "like us" because we believed we had it all going on and it would just be much easier if everyone behaved like us.If everyone had to look different then at least we could behave similarly - follow the same religious principles, same political structure and the same lust for land and what we perceived to be "riches." How could one tiny island of people contain so much ego - or was it fear? I'm not proud of that. All that being said, we British have done some pretty cool stuff over time as well and when I go back to that land of my ancestors I feel a different connection to the land of my people. I'm not sure it's national pride, but it is definitely a sense of connection to my roots. 

It's not that I'm particularly "proud" of my sexual identity either. In fact, decades of abuse, beatings, marginalization and oppression have made me kind of self-phobic / homophobic. I am eroded and worn by the experience of trying to be myself and love whom I choose. It has been a lifetime fight and I am worn thin, but for all you right-wing, fundamentalist haters out there, don't think this means you have won. It only means you are bullies. I know who I am. I am proud of surviving and, at times, thriving, of moving the cause forward for those younger folks who have followed me with what I hope to be an easier path. I am proud of the brave souls who ploughed a path before me when it was still illegal to be gay in Canada.

I do worry that all the changed laws have only created a veiled acceptance and the same repugnance for those who identify as lesbian is only held under a blanket of law. I worry that the hate is more insidious. People are aware that it is illegal to commit acts of hate and discrimination so they find ways around it - excuses for taking away your employment, for not serving you well in a store, for excluding you. I know I have had jobs kept from me and taken from me because of people's perceptions and guesses about my identity. 

I know things have changed and the battles have been well-fought by centuries of people who had to find their way around the hate to the time of Stonewall and the people who stood their ground publicly and said no. I remember when it was a PRIDE march rather than a parade - when you took your life and career in your hands by making that walk. Let us not forget the millions of lesbians and gays around the world who remain imprisoned under a death sentence because of who they choose to love. There are more than seventy-six countries where it is illegal to be gay. There are ten countries where it remains punishable by death.

It is time for me to pull back from the fight somewhat. The battle scars have begun a ceaseless ache in my being and the costs keep going up. It seems the more honest I have been with what I have faced and continue to face, the greater the chicanery and subterfuge used to perpetuate hate and discrimination. So, it is time for me to lay down my sword (aka flag) for the time being and hope that it is picked up by anyone and everyone who is appalled by fear and the hate it creates. 

It's not that I am climbing back into the closet, far from it. I am making way for younger and stronger warriors to lead the charge. The whole battle analogy is weird anyway as I haven't ever raised a hand to defend who I am, with the exception of the instances in the early days where I had to defend myself against the physical blows and sexual assaults instigated by men who thought it was their job to show me what I was supposed to be like as a "real" woman. They are abusers and criminals against love and peace. 

I am a warrior, a survivor, a lover and a philosopher. I am a healer and a teacher, a spiritual guide and a storyteller. I am your daughter, your mother, your sister and your wife. I am a human animal just as you and deserving of peace, kindness and love. I give these things to myself and your hate will never finish me. Of these things, I am proud. I am proud of my physical womanhood. I have no need for the social construct you call gender for that is only a political lie to keep women down. I am a free soul, a superhero of love and of all the things I wonder in the world, it's "Why the heck are you so afraid of me?" 

May your PRIDE come from the knowledge of the worth of your life as it relates to how you value all life, how you raise each other up and celebrate one another for your beautiful uniqueness and difference, without the need to push another down to do so. 

In loving memory of every soul who has been murdered, jailed, beaten, outcast, tortured for who they are. In other words, this is dedicated to every lesbian and gay human throughout time. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

Gillian Cornwall, edited re-post, June 18, 2017

Original post, c. July 10, 2016

The Art of Language

Fog in English Bay, BC

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2009 

Sarcasm: Noun. The use of irony to mock or convey contempt. 

More on this word from wikipedia

Irony: Noun. The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect. 

More on this word from wikipedia

While recognized as literary tools, perhaps these could be known as massive bombshells of misunderstanding. 

This is what I am thinking. One has to be an extraordinary communicator in order to know where and when to pepper one's speech with irony. I have seen it used perfectly in poetry, fiction and dramatic writing; however, it is a rare phenomenon to experience its effectiveness in oral communication. In fact, personally, I have no use for sarcasm and find I only use it when backed into a corner and resort to it in retaliation. I always feel disappointed in myself afterwards. 

When used in workplace communications or any relationships where there is an imbalance of perceived power, the results can be disastrous. Consider when and how to use these tools - learn about them. Have you walked away from conversations wondering why someone would say something so unkind to you, only to find out years later, that somehow they were using a failed attempt at irony or sarcasm, alleging an absence of harmful intent? For in truth, all comedy and irony bears a weight of truth and is often used out of fear of the results of straightforward, clear communication.

In our world, language is changing rapidly, particularly with the use of technology. The art of written and spoken communication is in continuous flux. Perhaps this speed and offhandedness with which we can communicate might give us more pause to consider that which we say in advance of blurting. I am trying, though sometimes failing, to use clear and kind communication rather than irony and definitely in place of sarcasm. It isn't always easy but I want to ensure that people aren't walking away from me hurt or confused by a glib, thoughtless remark I have made.

Awareness. Intention. Kindness. Clarity. Let these words guide our path of communication. Do not let fear dictate our words and result in bitter strikes. Indeed, the pen is mightier than the sword but can wound as effectively. 

I suppose what is rather silly here is that I am simply saying something most of our parents taught us when we first formulated speech, "Think before you speak."

I wish you all a beautiful week filled with joyous, kind interactions that ripple out across the world. Thank you for taking the time to read this article.

-Gillian Cornwall, June 11, 2017
Original post date, July 14, 2013

Open

Gillian Cornwall, c. 2009

Despondency Epidemic

 

Brighton Pier, England

Gillian Cornwall, c. October, 2015

Is there such a thing as a despondency epidemic? I feel like there is. 

This BBC report by David Robson from July 22, 2016 on the possible causes and impacts of exhaustion and burnout is not only something which I have experienced on and off since the 1990s as I struggle to survive in a world rocketing forward while I attempt to maintain my work ethic and values in a world chock-a-block with discrimination and hate.  

This quotation from the article mentions some of the effects of exhaustion, Including temporary blindness, that, until reading this I had not seen nor heard outside of my own experience. 

"We know that emotional distress can increase inflammation and exacerbate pain, for instance – and in some cases it can even bring about seizures and blindness. “It’s really hard to say that an illness is purely physical, or purely mental, because often it is both at the same time,” Schaffner says. In this light, it’s not surprising that our circumstances could cloud our minds and nearly paralyse the body with lethargy. And this fact should in no way suggest the symptoms are imaginary or made up – they may be just as ‘real’ as the fever that comes with flu."

This inexplicable temporary blindness happened to me after I moved to Salt Spring Island (ironically to get away from the pace and expectations of a busy city life) and landed up running a five acre farm with horses, chickens, sheep and a 40 foot by 80 foot garden in order to have "free" housing while also working full time at a local pub in the kitchen. Six days a week I arose at 5 am to care for the animals and get to work on time. I returned home from the pub by 5 or 6 pm and finished caring for the animals, chopping and hauling firewood and maintaining the farm by 10 pm. After several months of 5 hours, or less, sleep per night, the grey-out of my vision actually happened  while driving a Land Cruiser to work one morning. Terrifying. I could not see the road in front of me and had no idea how I would stop or pull over. I had to use the sound of the gravel on the shoulder to guide me, hoping I wouldn't strike anyone as I honked and slowed my speed sufficiently to pull over. Once I stopped, thankfully without further incident, I sat in the vehicle, rubbing my eyes and hoping I would regain my vision. I did manage to clear my sight sufficiently to continue to work and park my car. Once parked, I took myself, on foot, back up the hill to the hospital after trying to rinse my eyes and resolve the problem. I was sent to the eye specialist, who came back with no explanation and then off to my GP who was, thankfully, quick to determine the problem and sent me home to sleep for a week with no work. This was before the Internet and email era which I think has made things worse as we are physically unable to maintain the pace of productivity. 

As I look at a world where youth are engaging in terror attacks and the majority of our energy goes into social media, email and text response to maintain community - not necessarily a bad thing but is it actually effecting positive change? 

The Oxford Dictionary definition of despondency (linked above), states: Low spirits from loss of hope or courage; dejection.

I feel as though there is such a greater level of despondency in humanity and not just in our youth. What happens to society when we lose hope or courage? What actions, if any, do we take as a society when we see people losing faith in themselves and their fellow humans? How do we step away from the ping of the social media notifications and email and cell phone texts? How do we set the boundaries that allow us our much needed down time? 

How do we step away from our technological prisons? How do we break away from the heart attack lifestyle of the technological hamster wheel? Where is our light and our connection? How do we gain belief that we will not fail at our jobs if we step away - completely - to go home at a reasonable time, to go outside and play with friends or family, to share with our live, in person communities? 

I feel wrung out. I feel despondent. I am exhausted from working 10 hours a day because I do not know how to NOT do a great job. I was raised to perform and that if you gave all you could, you would be recognized and lifted up for your efforts but it does not seem to the way of the world anymore. Perhaps I am becoming a dinosaur but I really don't think so. I think my values still matter but I also believe we need to put measures in place in our work and personal lives that ensure downtime, limits on expectations of others and regaining a righteousness in rest. 

I am lonely. I never see people except at work. For most of my life I have been healing the broken spirit of the abused child and young woman. Society has done little to nothing to offer apology or restitution to the LGBT community for the absence of human rights many of us experienced throughout our lives. We are still not considered worthy of the respect that was taken. Our Indigenous communities are just beginning to receive apologies and restorative measures. There is nothing for LGBT. Sure, laws have changed, blah, blah, blah but that does not alleviate the damage done and I see hate on an increase to all marginalized peoples again because we are not diligent in our love and care as a species. 

All of this feeds the despondency epidemic and the drain of spirit, mind and body. I still see massive dysfunction in the lesbian community of my era because of the history of pain and suffering - so much so that I can barely stand to be within it. This means I am without community. Sometimes I am lonely because I am alone by choice. 

I wish I could tell you I have solutions. I don't. I can only share my meagre thoughts here, my truth and hope that sharing these truths may make someone else feel that they are not alone. I do see hope in the young children of my friends. I see them outside, playing, with their loving hearts, as much or more than with their faces to devices and I sure hope they keep that balance as they grow into teens and adults. 

I am not anti-tech, obviously, I'm sitting here every Sunday blogging. I just hope that we can all choose to seek balance and community in the world outside of the tech tools. I hope we can find ways to care for one another, without fear, with hope and care. This is what I see as the medicine for the despondency epidemic. Reach out to one another - even if you can only manage a smile to a stranger. It will ripple out and change the world.

-Gillian Cornwall, c. June 4, 2017

Reading in the Sun - Brighton Pier, England

Gillian Cornwall, c. October 2015